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it's been a long time since i was here.

hello world.

hello people.

hello myself.

oh, before i forget, hello 2008 :)

i've been thinking, lots of thinking, alone, with friends, at romantic/scenic places. and i realised that life after the a levels was nothing like what i expected. it wasnt a major celebration, with fireworks bursting, exploding with exuberance neither was it the expected calm after the storm. it's like a hurricane (geog!) just as you think you've escaped from the turmoil, the frustration, the stress during the a levels. you realise it's only the eye. when the eye moves by, it's the winds of change that hit you right in your face once again.

life's a scary thing. it's moving so fast, that your mind seems to be running at 100km/h but your heart remains stuck in the yesterdays. dislocation, disorientation, dissatisfaction. who said the post-a levels was supposed to be calm, exciting or fun. it's NOT. life begins AFTER the a levels. where life is not a party. where life is your future. where your future is a complete grey-out and you are struggling to find your voice through the whirlwind. i think it's tiring. and it's hard to explain how and why i'm feeling this way. the interviews, the scholarships, the scramble for universities, the worry, the hassle, the housework, the enlightenment. even the act of rediscovery of oneself becomes tiring, though sometimes inspirational and uplifting.

but who am i to complain? i'm better off with change. people tell me that i've changed. that they dont know me anymore. that i wasnt the giggly, exuberant, bimbotic, frivolous girl that i was in the past. and i wont deny it. but i'm glad that i changed. i want to be respected. i want to be liked, or to be acknowledged, appreciated for who i am. all i can say is that i'm not leaving you behind. if i've changed (and i'm proud of that), i expect my close friends to understand and appreciate that change, and follow me in my journey.

this is not play-time. this is MY future. and it jollywell be good. this is life. we change because of circumstances. yes, we leave some things behind. i can never be as niave as before. i can never be as care-free as before. but i've always seen change as the ability to start life on a beautiful blank slate - a starting point upon which i can write my own life-story. this is a life that i want to be in control of, and change is the best alternative. change for good/change for bad. change is neutral, and i hope you agree that change into maturity and growth is a good thing. i lose my innocence. i lose my happy-ness, gaiety. i lose some part of my child-hood and my youth. but i've realised that you shouldnt go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some back.

some new-year resolutions before i start writing properly about my emotions :))

1. self discipline
2. japanese words (HIRIGANA!!!)
3. housework
4. talk slowly
5. learn and do things the right way.

alright. till tml.

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it feels like hell, having to wait. 

i've been far from my self these few days. worried, hardly smiley, stressed and all that cal. shit.shit.shit. i cant wait for next week to come. 

being happy, feeling happy. used to be like that in the past. think this year changes people. makes everyone so different, and foreign, and scary. in the mirror, i feel scary too. i feel a-part from myself. just so strange, to see myself red-eyed, bloodshot, trembling me. 

the after-blocks ought to be exciting, fun, relaxing. but it's far from it. 

when is it ever going to end. this agony, this pain, this hopelessness.

i need my pistachio nuts again. sunshine, come what may.

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RAH! lj ate up my long long entry. nvm it's fated, i shall wait till i get the photos and post them again SOON with the lovely lovely pictures. :)

anyway, here's little shout-outs to people.

THANK YOU A15 GUYS. YOU GUYS ARE SWEET STUFF. thank-you! really appreciate it.
THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME PRETTY STUFF. feel loved, just like every other day, perhaps more expressive and erm obvious today. so yea, i feel the lovee. thank-you darlings. (shall detail this later)

now for the more impt bits 
cheer up people!
for you: cheer up! i'm on your side, dont think about it too much, and i'm glad you are at peace. :) you will survive, and you deserve better. so yea, i'm glad i got to talk to you so much more. YAY <3 i feel at peace somehow, knowing that i can channel my energies to other areas, and i know you do too.
for you: i know it's hard to get over someone. and it's tough to find out this way, through other people. i know it hurts, to know such stuff and live with it. but i'm sure you will survive. i am totally sure. :) come on girl, we are made of sterner stuff. and we girls are so damn self-sufficient. quotes you 'i cant say i'm alright, but i will be fine soon. YAY
for you: YAY FOR RUNNING. YOU GUYS PWNZ. about your emo stuff, i know you are strong, i know fate and destiny always works in our favours, so i'm sure that with you guys and your love somehow the future will be erm brighter? and yea, i'm sure that she will be fine. i know exactlyy how it feels to have to live with something like that, and adapt to it and appreciate it. so yup! strength, i know you have it.
to my two best friends: get through all the love waves alright. i'm sure you guys will pull through. dont forget to always look to the other shore. 

to everyone else: IT"S CHINESE NEW YEAR SOON. AND VDAY WAS ONE HELLUVA BLAST. I FEEL TERRIBLY LOVED. lugging those stuff back wasnt an easy feat, and what the hell, it feels great to be able to whine about such a thing. :) hahaha! righttt, i'm going to sleep now, because hanyun and i were crazy and ran two times (6.4km) at cross-country because we felt LIBERATED.

flying kisses to everyone
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i'm making little vday presents for people i <3! it's really pretty, my angels and mortals ought to be reallyyy honoured. hahah! okay i hope i dont screw up the last part, if not i will just scream. :) happy v-day in advance, loads of hugs and kisses and best wishes for the year ahead. thank you my friends, and family for being there.

these few weeks have been a mixture of feelings. i'm going to lose a friend for sure, but somehow i feel relieved, happy and i'm thanking the heavens for such a blessing in disguise. thank you for little mercies. liberation. so i'm going to be free from all these complex emotions, whirling and tumbling through me. so alright, no more emotional burden, or no more fears, doubts, anger, crazy thoughts. this is going to be it. at least i'm not the one losing two friends. you were never there for me anyway. 

:) anywayyy, yayyy i'm looking forward to a burdenless new year. chinese new year. and v-day celebrations and outings or watever not. :) i'm glad for recent conversations of ranting with girlies. :) you should know who i'm talking about. to the guys: you've been a gem

:)) you've let me down one too many times (koped from a friend)

gonna see you smile,
and know it's a frown turned upside down

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so maybe life's not been especially smooth. nothing especially exciting to look forward to. guess i've gotta be contented with the little smallest pleasures like eating pistachio nuts, dreaming about cheese fries and walking home alone.

i think i need to pray, it's the only haven i can think of right now. i guess no one can help, and i have always believed no one should, so yea i will deal with it. 

missing my bounce.

sometimes i just dont feel like talking, yes/no?

even after i told you, you didnt even try to understand, so what do you want me to do? force you to? why do i even care?

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This entire week have been tiring, really tiring, mentally, emotionally, physically. loads of sickness, not enough sleep, waking up at wee hours of the morning, work and ycm commitments. plus my eye hurts. I feel drained, detached, and withdrawn. I’ve decided that talking too much is no good since it’s such a waste of time, and i'm too tired to care anymore AND I need to recharge my batteries. it's time someone else do the caring.

i don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling really lonely, not in terms of like isolation because I obviously have a lot of darlings around me, but lonely in terms of I don’t think I can talk/share with anyone about things that’s bugging me like crazy: either because they are too far away, or I just don’t feel comfortable enough having seen all the different complexities in characters this year. So yea, I’m lonely. I guess this year is probably the year of inward retrospection, of thinking alone, and acknowledging and adapting to being able to deal with things alone. 

And just for aiwen and yumin who I miss like crazy whenever I get into such dull moods, I wish I could go back to cherish those days where I could confide and seek advice 24/7. at least there was summer then.
For years she had floated into the house on the wings of her own stories: how the butterfly they were hatching in class had one of its antennae torn off a boy who wasn’t gentle; how the school lunch that day had been pizza when the notice said it was going to be chicken chow mein and how if she’d known that, she would have bought instead of bringing her own; how the letter I in cursive is nothing like you’d think. There had been so many easy words between them that Daniel was guilty of nodding every now and then and tuning out the excess. He hadn’t known, at the time, that he should have been hoarding these, like bits of sea glass hidden in the pocket of his winter coat to remind him that once it had been summer.
shall just float around aimlessly till summer comes.
Current Mood:
tired tired
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cheer up gene! and kudos for apollo! our my juniors rule. super enthu. jiayou for faculty dance. on MONDAY and THURSDAY. be there ;) went out, shopping, bought like crazy and had a good time reflecting and talking to friends. thanks everybody. -mwack-
here's some random nostalgic photos of people i <3. 

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It’s been a happy happy week. Feels like a month already, been rather busy with things in general. I love Apollo! Go Apollo! Our dance rules, our juniors are really enthu, they scare me sometimes. I have a feeling they are in love with khangchiang and peter, I heard quite a number of girls and guys saying that both of them are hot and charming. -.- hahaha, and till now, I still cant believe that Apollo juniors are so damn on about everything, even about our five dollar notebooks. Joanne and I got a major shock when we saw people queuing outside the welfare room, and upon closer look, realized they migrated from the audi directly so as to get the notebooks. :( goodness me, they demanded we open the room, and when we gave them the notebooks, they were like jostling and pushing, it was like a fish market of sorts. I’m quite glad though, at least I know they care and are enthusiastic about Apollo. :) jiayou for faculty dance alright, I know you guys are already learning it. So YUP>< jiayou!

Anyway, happy birthday to everyone born in the month of jan, especially meiling, tze siong, Nicholas yong, shupeng. Happy eighteen, ALCOHOL. CLUBBING. AND MORE.

I’m happy, thankful, grateful, accomplished, fulfilled and excited. There’s gonna be a lot of work, obstacles and a lot more effort to be put in, but watch me, I’m so gonna soar.

Have been thinking about prioritizing my friends, not in the mechanical sense, but more so, in the amount of time I voluntarily spend with them. Talked to people yesterday and the day before, and somehow I realized that there’s no point trying to make new or better friends right now, especially if they are reluctant to tell you private stuff, or they never confide in you, while expecting you to tell them most personal, minute details. Neither is there any point to always try to talk to them, when in actual fact they either don’t trust you, don’t appreciate, or they don’t give a damn.

I’ve been stupid before, but when it’s crunchtime, I guess it’s time to set my foot firmly into the mud/soil/silt/ground, and tell myself that it’s now the time to fight for what I want, sacrifice, and live with no regrets.

Right now, ideals, dreams and my passions would have to take second priority. All that I need to be sure is that I’m not compromising myself, seek that balance and just take things in my stride.


there's only us, there's only this
forget regret or life is yours to miss
no other road, no other way
no day but today.
Current Mood:
cheerful cheerful
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