in flight

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 13:16:19 GMT

it's been a long time since i was here.

hello world.

hello people.

hello myself.

oh, before i forget, hello 2008 :)

i've been thinking, lots of thinking, alone, with friends, at romantic/scenic places. and i realised that life after the a levels was nothing like what i expected. it wasnt a major celebration, with fireworks bursting, exploding with exuberance neither was it the expected calm after the storm. it's like a hurricane (geog!) just as you think you've escaped from the turmoil, the frustration, the stress during the a levels. you realise it's only the eye. when the eye moves by, it's the winds of change that hit you right in your face once again.

life's a scary thing. it's moving so fast, that your mind seems to be running at 100km/h but your heart remains stuck in the yesterdays. dislocation, disorientation, dissatisfaction. who said the post-a levels was supposed to be calm, exciting or fun. it's NOT. life begins AFTER the a levels. where life is not a party. where life is your future. where your future is a complete grey-out and you are struggling to find your voice through the whirlwind. i think it's tiring. and it's hard to explain how and why i'm feeling this way. the interviews, the scholarships, the scramble for universities, the worry, the hassle, the housework, the enlightenment. even the act of rediscovery of oneself becomes tiring, though sometimes inspirational and uplifting.

but who am i to complain? i'm better off with change. people tell me that i've changed. that they dont know me anymore. that i wasnt the giggly, exuberant, bimbotic, frivolous girl that i was in the past. and i wont deny it. but i'm glad that i changed. i want to be respected. i want to be liked, or to be acknowledged, appreciated for who i am. all i can say is that i'm not leaving you behind. if i've changed (and i'm proud of that), i expect my close friends to understand and appreciate that change, and follow me in my journey.

this is not play-time. this is MY future. and it jollywell be good. this is life. we change because of circumstances. yes, we leave some things behind. i can never be as niave as before. i can never be as care-free as before. but i've always seen change as the ability to start life on a beautiful blank slate - a starting point upon which i can write my own life-story. this is a life that i want to be in control of, and change is the best alternative. change for good/change for bad. change is neutral, and i hope you agree that change into maturity and growth is a good thing. i lose my innocence. i lose my happy-ness, gaiety. i lose some part of my child-hood and my youth. but i've realised that you shouldnt go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some back.

some new-year resolutions before i start writing properly about my emotions :))

1. self discipline
2. japanese words (HIRIGANA!!!)
3. housework
4. talk slowly
5. learn and do things the right way.

alright. till tml.

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 07:42:14 GMT

testing
testing

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 12:29:08 GMT

it feels like hell, having to wait.

i've been far from my self these few days. worried, hardly smiley, stressed and all that cal. shit.shit.shit. i cant wait for next week to come.

being happy, feeling happy. used to be like that in the past. think this year changes people. makes everyone so different, and foreign, and scary. in the mirror, i feel scary too. i feel a-part from myself. just so strange, to see myself red-eyed, bloodshot, trembling me.

the after-blocks ought to be exciting, fun, relaxing. but it's far from it.

when is it ever going to end. this agony, this pain, this hopelessness.

i need my pistachio nuts again. sunshine, come what may.

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 15:13:55 GMT

RAH! lj ate up my long long entry. nvm it's fated, i shall wait till i get the photos and post them again SOON with the lovely lovely pictures. :)

anyway, here's little shout-outs to people.

THANK YOU A15 GUYS. YOU GUYS ARE SWEET STUFF. thank-you! really appreciate it.
THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME PRETTY STUFF. feel loved, just like every other day, perhaps more expressive and erm obvious today. so yea, i feel the lovee. thank-you darlings. (shall detail this later)

now for the more impt bits
cheer up people!
for you: cheer up! i'm on your side, dont think about it too much, and i'm glad you are at peace. :) you will survive, and you deserve better. so yea, i'm glad i got to talk to you so much more. YAY <3 i feel at peace somehow, knowing that i can channel my energies to other areas, and i know you do too.
for you: i know it's hard to get over someone. and it's tough to find out this way, through other people. i know it hurts, to know such stuff and live with it. but i'm sure you will survive. i am totally sure. :) come on girl, we are made of sterner stuff. and we girls are so damn self-sufficient. quotes you 'i cant say i'm alright, but i will be fine soon. YAY
for you: YAY FOR RUNNING. YOU GUYS PWNZ. about your emo stuff, i know you are strong, i know fate and destiny always works in our favours, so i'm sure that with you guys and your love somehow the future will be erm brighter? and yea, i'm sure that she will be fine. i know exactlyy how it feels to have to live with something like that, and adapt to it and appreciate it. so yup! strength, i know you have it.
to my two best friends: get through all the love waves alright. i'm sure you guys will pull through. dont forget to always look to the other shore.

to everyone else: IT"S CHINESE NEW YEAR SOON. AND VDAY WAS ONE HELLUVA BLAST. I FEEL TERRIBLY LOVED. lugging those stuff back wasnt an easy feat, and what the hell, it feels great to be able to whine about such a thing. :) hahaha! righttt, i'm going to sleep now, because hanyun and i were crazy and ran two times (6.4km) at cross-country because we felt LIBERATED.

flying kisses to everyone

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 14:48:18 GMT

i'm making little vday presents for people i <3! it's really pretty, my angels and mortals ought to be reallyyy honoured. hahah! okay i hope i dont screw up the last part, if not i will just scream. :) happy v-day in advance, loads of hugs and kisses and best wishes for the year ahead. thank you my friends, and family for being there.

these few weeks have been a mixture of feelings. i'm going to lose a friend for sure, but somehow i feel relieved, happy and i'm thanking the heavens for such a blessing in disguise. thank you for little mercies. liberation. so i'm going to be free from all these complex emotions, whirling and tumbling through me. so alright, no more emotional burden, or no more fears, doubts, anger, crazy thoughts. this is going to be it. at least i'm not the one losing two friends. you were never there for me anyway.

:) anywayyy, yayyy i'm looking forward to a burdenless new year. chinese new year. and v-day celebrations and outings or watever not. :) i'm glad for recent conversations of ranting with girlies. :) you should know who i'm talking about. to the guys: you've been a gem

:)) you've let me down one too many times (koped from a friend)

gonna see you smile,
and know it's a frown turned upside down

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 14:52:04 GMT

so maybe life's not been especially smooth. nothing especially exciting to look forward to. guess i've gotta be contented with the little smallest pleasures like eating pistachio nuts, dreaming about cheese fries and walking home alone.

i think i need to pray, it's the only haven i can think of right now. i guess no one can help, and i have always believed no one should, so yea i will deal with it.

missing my bounce.

sometimes i just dont feel like talking, yes/no?

even after i told you, you didnt even try to understand, so what do you want me to do? force you to? why do i even care?

summer-time

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 14:43:11 GMT

This entire week have been tiring, really tiring, mentally, emotionally, physically. loads of sickness, not enough sleep, waking up at wee hours of the morning, work and ycm commitments. plus my eye hurts. I feel drained, detached, and withdrawn. I’ve decided that talking too much is no good since it’s such a waste of time, and i'm too tired to care anymore AND I need to recharge my batteries. it's time someone else do the caring.

i don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling really lonely, not in terms of like isolation because I obviously have a lot of darlings around me, but lonely in terms of I don’t think I can talk/share with anyone about things that’s bugging me like crazy: either because they are too far away, or I just don’t feel comfortable enough having seen all the different complexities in characters this year. So yea, I’m lonely. I guess this year is probably the year of inward retrospection, of thinking alone, and acknowledging and adapting to being able to deal with things alone.

And just for aiwen and yumin who I miss like crazy whenever I get into such dull moods, I wish I could go back to cherish those days where I could confide and seek advice 24/7. at least there was summer then.

For years she had floated into the house on the wings of her own stories: how the butterfly they were hatching in class had one of its antennae torn off a boy who wasn’t gentle; how the school lunch that day had been pizza when the notice said it was going to be chicken chow mein and how if she’d known that, she would have bought instead of bringing her own; how the letter I in cursive is nothing like you’d think. There had been so many easy words between them that Daniel was guilty of nodding every now and then and tuning out the excess. He hadn’t known, at the time, that he should have been hoarding these, like bits of sea glass hidden in the pocket of his winter coat to remind him that once it had been summer.

shall just float around aimlessly till summer comes.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 09:59:22 GMT

i think I need to get hold of my life by the reins, control it, and pace myself the way it should be.

That’s the biggest problem I’m facing, knowing very well that I’ve got to correct them, but delaying it forever without a deadline, and then regretting the lost time, the lost opportunities and the repeated mistakes. I know for sure, how easy and tempting self-delusion is. It’s my greatest enemy. That’s the problem with being a feeling person, you get so caught up with the myriad of emotions,that rationale and instinct become second priority, and you make foolish decisions with your heart, and not your mind, knowing too well that you would regret. And I am.

As of now, it’s dangerous, in the past it was alright to let myself get carried away, drift like a piece of seaweed, anywhere at any pace, regardless of anything, living in my own bubble of a world. But now, jarringly, this year especially would be disastrous if I let my own wilderness develop into another forest. It seems like I’m cautioning myself, bracing myself, but when the last hurdle comes, when it’s crunch-time to make a decision, when the temptations stare at me in my eye, I seem to bow down and give in.

That’s the problem with being idealistic, you justify yourself half the time, believing yourself for what you think it should be, and not what it actually is. Being idealistic is like asking yourself to close your eyes, shut your mouth, and censor your ears, being knowingly niave, stupid and irrational. It’s so easy, tempting to let myself drift into familiar ground, but somehow sometimes it’s okay to let ourselves walk through the motions of our life blindfolded, to grope the dark corners, to feel and act as you feel like, because who knows what treasures you might find. but I know the dangers of securing this knot, too well.

Everyone says it takes two persons to make a lie work. I believe the contrary. It takes only one person to make a lie work, because this time the person who tells it and the person who believes it is exactly the same person- yourself. There were times that I would just pretend that everything was fine, not question and believe. But you cant invent fiction and call it a life; maybe I thought that if I did it often enough, I might start to believe it. It’s too easy, too horrible, too scary to do so.

Justification is a remarkable thing- takes all those solid lines and blur them so that truth becomes as supple as willow, and ethics burst like soap bubbles

Break one rule, and like a huge bag of firecrackers, they start bursting uncontrollably in front of you. That cannot happen, at least not this year.

I know that I’m compromising myself, sacrificing fun ,my life and my friends, but I cant spin two lassons at one go: of friendship and of work. It’s tough, it’s possible, but I know that it would be two half-filled buckets. All or nothing, I believe it in. since I cant do both at one go successfully, I would have to give one up and let the left-behind be filled by circumstances and fate.

Like what bryan said, a super hero is actually an ordinary man who believes he can. But, I know well enough, that a pride-ful person is also an ordinary man who believes he can, but perhaps too much. And I don’t want to be the latter, I don’t want to secure that knot on that blindfold I’ve been comfortable in for the past few years. It’s limiting myself. So this is it, I’m going to leave one behind

I’m finally going to let go, not because my hands are not big enough, but because I know there’s a possibility I might leave both hanging, and it’s too big a risk.

But don’t misinterpret me, it doesn’t mean I will close one side of my eye, and ignore, I wont for sure. My best friends and cliques (I presume you know who you are) would definitely not be affected, since they are part of my life anyway. It’s more like the people I’m just getting to know, or people who I haven’t yet now. It’s more like, if life was a road-trip, I would be driving at full-speed, admiring the scenery, appreciating, relishing, recollecting while speeding on, but the gears would always be flexible- to u-turn and to help those in need. I won’t walk around the entire neighbourhood knocking on doors as I did before, proactively making friends, shaking their hands with a smile and asking if they are alright. But instead, I will leave my door open, let people come in voluntarily, and I will invite you in.

I’m gonna live my life whole-heartedly, have one goal and race towards it, that is to be the best I can to my best friends, organise their birthday parties as well as to focus on my work, hssrp, research papers, syf, faculty and outside stuff. It means that I’ve got a direction, it means that I’ve finally settled my emotions, it means that I spend my time when it’s the most needed, prioritise and save my time like a ration for a rainy day, so when someone in need comes along with teary eyes, I will be able to spend my fullest attention without any worries of work, school or family.

I’m moving ahead, but not leaving anyone behind.

This time, I hope it works.

cheer up gene! and kudos for apollo! ~~our~~ my juniors rule. super enthu. jiayou for faculty dance. on MONDAY and THURSDAY. be there ;) went out, shopping, bought like crazy and had a good time reflecting and talking to friends. thanks everybody. -mwack-
here's some random nostalgic photos of people i <3.

my favourite darlinks! (sorry i cldnt find nicer pictures)

my heibaipei and my twin<333

(super-silly-seven,super-small-seven,super-secret-seven,super-super-seven), plus philip people. yay kal and teddy.

(our ~~only~~ part-of-class pic)

our mps people w shihong as representative (ALBERT"S PICTURES!!) and my darling SISTER who has to endure all my shit, plus minister!

and this is exacttttlyy how my life should be. a spectrum of colours, a myraid of emotions, a whole new world with you.

happy start of school

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 14:00:54 GMT

It’s been a happy happy week. Feels like a month already, been rather busy with things in general. I love Apollo! Go Apollo! Our dance rules, our juniors are really enthu, they scare me sometimes. I have a feeling they are in love with khangchiang and peter, I heard quite a number of girls and guys saying that both of them are hot and charming. -.- hahaha, and till now, I still cant believe that Apollo juniors are so damn on about everything, even about our five dollar notebooks. Joanne and I got a major shock when we saw people queuing outside the welfare room, and upon closer look, realized they migrated from the audi directly so as to get the notebooks. :( goodness me, they demanded we open the room, and when we gave them the notebooks, they were like jostling and pushing, it was like a fish market of sorts. I’m quite glad though, at least I know they care and are enthusiastic about Apollo. :) jiayou for faculty dance alright, I know you guys are already learning it. So YUP>< jiayou!

Anyway, happy birthday to everyone born in the month of jan, especially meiling, tze siong, Nicholas yong, shupeng. Happy eighteen, ALCOHOL. CLUBBING. AND MORE.

I’m happy, thankful, grateful, accomplished, fulfilled and excited. There’s gonna be a lot of work, obstacles and a lot more effort to be put in, but watch me, I’m so gonna soar.

Have been thinking about prioritizing my friends, not in the mechanical sense, but more so, in the amount of time I voluntarily spend with them. Talked to people yesterday and the day before, and somehow I realized that there’s no point trying to make new or better friends right now, especially if they are reluctant to tell you private stuff, or they never confide in you, while expecting you to tell them most personal, minute details. Neither is there any point to always try to talk to them, when in actual fact they either don’t trust you, don’t appreciate, or they don’t give a damn.

I’ve been stupid before, but when it’s crunchtime, I guess it’s time to set my foot firmly into the mud/soil/silt/ground, and tell myself that it’s now the time to fight for what I want, sacrifice, and live with no regrets.

Right now, ideals, dreams and my passions would have to take second priority. All that I need to be sure is that I’m not compromising myself, seek that balance and just take things in my stride.

So yay, WATCH ME, WHILE I ROAR.

there's only us, there's only this
forget regret or life is yours to miss
no other road, no other way
no day but today.

friendship,family,religion

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 05:15:47 GMT

Regarding friendship, this year hasn’t been exceptionally fulfilling- I’ve made new friends, retained old ones, lost or almost lost others, seen ‘normal’ friends blossomed. But, I guess what’s different, would be that I’ve matured enough to be able to appreciate my friends better, know who’s important to me and prioritize accordingly, to make the best of every opportunity and be more expressive about my endearing love for them. Heh.

Somehow, in my seventeen years of existence, I’ve been really lucky to have a steady but changing group of friends surrounding me, showering me with love and care, laughing and crying with me, and going through the toughest and funnest time together. Thank you so much for that. But perhaps, because I’ve been blessed, I might have taken things for granted, been too contented, and perhaps made foolish mistakes.

For the past three years, but not this year fortunately, I’ve always had a problem with keeping friends. Just like what kaleni said, my present group of friends would not have known my best friends two years ago, and my best friends two years ago wouldn’t know my childhood or primary school friends. it’s sad really, to realize at the end of the day, that you’ve perhaps never made much of an effort to continue to stay in touch with the old friends, letting them float away further and further with time.

But I know for sure, that for every new friend I meet, I always give both more- attention and less- of my true self. So whenever my best friend tells me I’ve shu-yuan because of so-and-so, I’ve never really understood, because the place in my heart- who I’m closest to, who I enjoy being with, who I cherish most would never and have never changed. It’s really just like any little child, with its eyes searching for new-found wonder, that whenever something new appears in front of you, you ignore the old and familiar, and move, albeit slowly, towards the new object with out-stretched hands and curious eyes. Your eyes gleam and sparkle when the new object smiles at you, and suddenly all your attention is devoted to it, and only it. But, you know for sure, that the object of fancy would pass in time, that no matter what, you would never leave the other person behind.

Then, the inevitable question, why seek the pot of gold at the other side of the rainbow, when you’ve already eaten your fill of happiness? Why bother? The answer is simple. Like any other curious little toddler and perhaps every other teenager, you go into a new environment with an open mind, an open heart. You are not reserved, nor adequately suspicious to reject any person who approaches you and asks to be your friend, purely because for every thing that happens, it happens for a reason. I’ve always believed, that fate plays a part in everything, so the very fact that that stranger or acquaintance approaches you and says hi, would be enough reason for you to say hi back, and treat it in the best light- as a possible friendship that might or could possibly turn out to be really important to you. That’s how I make friends, at least. It’s not a matter of the grass on the other side is always greener, rather it’s the normal innate want to make friends, to bridge exciting friendships, and to expand your social circle, and hope, that you will be twice lucky, to find gold within the circle.

But, at the midst of everything, I’ve always believed that both acts function separately, that one can do without the other. You can be seeking new friends, but just like every adventurer seeking out with one hand to grab more gold, you would tug what you’ve already had even closer to your heart, afraid that it would slip away. Of course, there’s the risk of it falling through your hands, and you ending up with neither, feeling stupid and incredibly lousy. But I’m sure after a few valuable lessons of moaning and smacking your head in absolute agony, one would learn that losing what you already had hurts a million times more, not only because it’s more precious, but also because greed, after all, comes from wanting something you’ve never had, while grief, comes from losing something you’ve already had.

So, to solve this problem this year, I’ve been much more expressive, I’ve told people through long long love letters, testimonials, blog entries and verbal chats or even over the phone at midnight that I love them, and I appreciate everything that they have done for me- tolerating my irritating habits, my moodswings, my annoying nature, my loud explosive laughter and giggles, my temperamental nature and all my crap-bullshit. I’ve spent quite a lot of time talking on the phone with yumin, aiwen, hanyun, telling them my new analogy. I’ve realized that I rarely talk about my best friends, few know about my group of childhood guy friends I’ve always been with, few know and express ultimate shock whenever I say hanyun’s my heibaipei, and only some people know about YAY and YAH and SUPER SEVEN. And people wonder why they can be so close to me, and yet I’ve never talked much about them excitedly or enthusiastically.

I’ve sorta realized, that whenever people ask me about my life, about what’s happening to me recently, I’ve never felt like or thought about telling them about my best friends. it’s really because, when faced with such questions, my instinctive response is to tell them about something external, something exciting, something new, something worthy of interest. And I guess, my best friends have been with me for say eight years, five years, three years, so they aren’t something new, they have been in my life for ages, and somehow, they are a part of my life, not apart from who I am. Things that are related to them, are personal stuff, and matters of the heart, I rarely tell anyone. So it’s just like a old coat that’ve been in my closet, or a old pair of BUNNY slippers that I’ve always subconsciously slipped into. They matter, so much so that, because you attach so much memories, emotion, events to it, that when you lose them, it becomes a major catastrophe, a calamity of sorts. That you try every way to do without it, but you cant, because it’s a part of you, a part of your history, a part of why and who you’ve become, that to tear it away and forget it just like that, would be asking you to continue walking with your eyes blindfolded- you can walk, but you wont be sure where you are heading to. Even in normal, ordinary conversations, silence can only be achieved with your best friends, and like what I’ve said before, I cherish and appreciate them because these moments are so rare, so ordinary, yet so special.

I guess aiwen and I have always managed to keep quiet on the bus together, just sitting down there, looking at the scenery, watching things pass, reflecting, and saying whatever ridiculous, stupid, random things that come to your mind. It’s that comfort level that you achieve, that makes you know without the other party telling you, that whatever you do or say, whatever faults you have, it’s perfectly okay to show it, because you know deep down that he or she would cherish you even more because failings and shortcoming are human, and you can always overlook them for the other positive traits. I love you girl, you’ve been more than just a soulmate, I cant even count the number of times we’ve had damn good telepathy, we’ve been able to not spend as much time as before together, but still be there at the most crucial moments, being able to know and feel when the each of us are down, when we have a crush, when we are angry with each other. Somehow, though we don’t see each other 24/7, every outing or conversation with you and yumin, has been very peaceful, nice, sweet and I don’t know, we can rattle off endlessly without feeling strange or anything. So yea, you know I love you, we must continue the conversation last night ok?

Yumin and I have been friends for five years, started off with us being co-treasurers and us hating each other for various reasons. Then being forced to be in the same class and to sit beside each other, reluctantly. We’ve gone through a lot, and though you suck at gut feeling, like wongyumin has zero gut feeling. It’s ALWAYS AND ALWAYS WRONG. i know you will always be there for me, no matter what, and vice versa, same as aiwen, we don’t see each other much, and I cant be there for you whenever you need company, you need retail therapy or anything else, but I hope you know that for everything else that matters, I will be there. I know that things like going for your concerts, going to send you off, being there physically for many of your special occasions are of extreme importance to you, so I promise I will try to make it for most of them alright? Like what I’ve said in my long long card, aiwen and I have always been worried about you, because you are way too precious to be broken apart by random idiotic guys. Honestly, I’ve always felt and still feel guilty about j, because I myself have always been advocating how important it is for friends to be the eyes when it comes to love, cos the other party would normally be blind, so I’m really really sorry to have been equally blind, or oblivious to all the crap he’s done to you. At least now, I can be sure, that you would be lucky. I guess, for wongyumin, it has and has always been, about support, being there and giving good advice, as well as telling her all the time, that everyone loves her and there’s always sunshine after the rain. Love you too girl.

The friendship between hanyun and I have always been somewhat miraculous, I mean look at the both of us, opposite sides of the spectrum, she’s quiet while I’m loud, she’s calm but I’m not, she’s neat and my handwriting is like barbed wire, she’s extremely sweet while I’m quite annoying. So yea, totally different, but I guess fate and timing brought us together. Heibaipei really. It started off with the united world college thing, and suddenly, we were together for youth forum. Really unbelievable hur. From something so insignificant till youth forum, all the crap we’ve gone through together, to the long bus rides home thinking about humanities or not, then worrying about the programme, then getting in together, being in the same class, being in the same clique again, philippines and now hssrp. I guess luck’s been on our side really. It seems like I knew you since ages ago, cos the things we’ve gone through together cant really be explained in one sentence. Maybe our youth forum theme song ‘I believe’ could explain. It’s been a helluva journey girl, together, I know we can do miracles. Thank you so much for always listening to me whine, like seriously, you are damn patient, for giggling to yourself whenever Eunice tok makes some lame char shao bao jokes, and all your damn sweetness though we might not have been right in the first place. if anything goes wrong in future, always remember that if we could be best friends, anything impossible would definitely be possible. I love you too dear.

And yes, I have NOT forgotten about you lil boys. LOVE LOVE LOVE, thank you so much for the fantastic eight years. You guys were the first people I’ve known to be so refreshingly honest, so incredibly funny, and so playful, cheeky and understanding. Being with you guys, though rarely, cos we have such busy schedules, have always been a piece of sweet heaven I’ve always enjoyed. You guys are a mix of personalities, so different, that it’s quite enjoyable to just watch you guys squabble. Maybe i’m a really lucky girl, to have eight kor-kors to take care of me, to cure my unhappiness, to whine to, to bitch about, and to lick all my open wounds clean. Things that I’ve done with you guys, playing on the swing, doing random shit pranks, dares, telling lame jokes, and piggybacking, walking on the beach, etc etc will alwayssss be there in my mind. Till death do us part? Ahahha! You know that I love you muchly, I WANT MY PRESENTS. ;)

Allison phua, my twin, my b two, my best friend, my bestest gem in the year 2006, is love love love. Hahaha! Thankew darling for everything. I’ve learn to really appreciate your honestly, your expressions, your niaoings, and all your famous statements like ‘I will always be pretty whatever I wear, or whatever haircut I have’ plus all your intelligent comments, plus your smartness, plus your generosity. i mean, till now, I cant really get over the fact, that we came together as strangers, and suddenly we click like a lot at macs, rattle non-stop, and THEN we realize that we’ve got the same birthday, born ten minutes apart, and that our hands are almost identical and we can read each other’s minds like crazy. So what the hell, we are frigging cool, and we’ve been like quite unlucky recently, like after ayls, we drifted a little, talked, and then became close again. Then after that it was promos, then Philippines, then o one, then everything else. BUT it’s ok, it’s a test of our friendship.hahaha! you are reallyyy one of a kind and b one cant do without b two. So yea, best friends forever, hahah! You know I love you too.

Mmmm, I guess one of the biggest failures this year, would be losing a best friend-siting. I don’t think it’s us, that we didn’t put in enough effort or we weren’t determined, but rather because of external factors- fate, environment, time, commitments,schedule. Being in a different class, different faculty, different everything have sort of screwed us all over. Like totally, I used to be able to recognize chuasiting’s voice from damn far away, was able to talk to her about the most obscure issues, used to be able to distinguish her just from the way she walks, the way she holds herself, and the way she’s just different, to me, as compared to everyone else. I miss you! Really miss those times in school, tablepartners, talking during lessons all the time, and mugging for tests, playing, shopping, bitching. It’s been a long time, and we’ve really drifted a hell lot. Now I only get little scraps of information from junyu, or sometimes yezi. And it seems like we have little luck, whenever she calls me, or I call her, she’s either away or she doesn’t pick up her phone. Somehow, it feels different, whether or not I want to admit it, that I’m now no longer her confidante, no longer able to know where she is, how she is and how her life has been. I feel like a stranger, and that’s what makes it all so pathetic. Just a year, and it’s become like that. But, fret not, this is not goodbye. Quite simply, if you believe it’s possible, it will work out somehow. <3

family:

About family, I don’t know how to start explaining how it feels. But for once, this year, I think I’ve become a better daughter and sister. In the past, I used to take everything for granted, to throw tantrums unnecessarily and pout whenever I don’t get my way. Now, I’m beginning to understand how it feels to be a parent, how much responsibility one has to shoulder so much love, expectation, dreams, ambitions for your child. It’s incredible really. I’m beginning to realllyy listen to what my parents have to say, I’m beginning to understand all the limitations they’ve imposed onto me, and somehow I’m beginning to find excuses for them when my friends ask. I’m starting to become defensive, protective even. I’ve realized the power and strength of words, to not only hurt, but to heal, to transform all the emotions you’ve ever felt, enough to breath fire or blow out the windshield, or to turn light into darkness, into words that spread like balm, invisible comfort to cover the open wounds.

I’ve finally understood the power of a mother’s love, of sacrifices and endless patience, that no matter how long they have to wait for us to understand where they are coming from, no matter how many bouts of crying they have to suffer through, no matter how many times they felt like they were losing hope, a smile or a revelation from us would be what it takes to make it all worth it. So, maybe because of all these reflections, I blame less and understand more. That for everything our parents seek to do, they would always have our best interests at heart, sometimes even at the expanse of themselves. Maybe fifteen years down the road, I could be facing the same problems with my child, the same frustrations, disappointments and joy as my parents, and maybe my children would be asking themselves the same puzzling questions of why this and not that, what could have been, and the inevitable question of freedom of choice over life’s direction or course. I wonder, whether, I would be doing onto my children the exact same thing that I swore and cursed my parents for, whether I would be staying up late calling every number possible to find out the whereabouts of my child, or would I be sitting beside my child cursing the internet and the msn chat for it’s endless temptations and disturbances. And, finally, I wonder how long it would be for me to fully appreciate what it takes to be a parent.

I know, they are not, as we’d expect, orchestrating our lives; they are not even trying for a second chance to live the life they wanted to. They are possibly hoping, that if this positive thing takes root, it might make up enough light and space and dreams inside us, to keep something else from developing in us: the disappointment they once lived. So yea, I don’t know how, I don’t know when, I don’t even know why, but I am going to make it work, somehow someday. It’s not the guilt or the anger that keeps me trying; it’s not the adrenaline rush; it’s not even the potential happy ending, it’s because, when you get down to the core, I’m the one who’s lost. Because, ultimately, when a family breaks down, you lose a part of yourself.

Sometimes when you pick your child you can feel the map of your own bones beneath your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary thing about motherhood- finding a piece of yourself separate and apart that all the same you could not live without. It is the feeling you get when you place the last scrap of the thousand piece jigsaw puzzle; it is the last football in a photo finish; exhilaration and homecoming and stunned wonder, caught between those stubby fingers and the spaces where baby teeth have given way. My child barrels into my arms with the force of a hurricane, and just as easily sweeps me off my feet. Oh, I think, this is why.

religion:

I guess religion has been, and will continue to be in my life for as long as I live, purely because I’ve found what I’ve always sought out to find- peace, understanding and faith. When I was young, I was born a Buddhist, and I was only one because my parents believed in it. But I’ve never really made a point to understand what it signifies and what principles and values it advocates. But, maybe the turning point was last year, where the world was dark, and I had no one to turn to, except the heavens. Maybe it was then that I realized that faith was something given to you, that everybody was meant to be on a different path, to take up separate religions, to believe in whatever they were destined to believe in. I’ve always realized that it was a part of me, but perhaps it wasn’t meant for me to open, that pandora’s box, till last year. Given the time and consequences, I managed to survive a very trying period, and hence since gained much insight into who, and how I ought to change myself, what i should hope for, and what i shouldnt. It’s both terrifying, initially and gratifying, to have an outlet to vent, to express and to feel.

Somehow, I’ve never felt obliged to pray, or to do traditional rituals or go to the temples, unless I really want to. Of course, there are those surreal moments, when things happen right in front of you, and you wonder for a moment if that’s the result of heavenly interventions, and you think and ponder for a long while, till you realize that there’s no answer to that, and the only thing you can do is to say -thankyou. So yea, I’m happy that I’ve found my own peace, understood and believed in my religion because I purely wanted to, and maybe needed to. I’ve always felt that religion is something personal, and unconditional, that no matter what happens, good or bad, if it’s meant to be, it would happen despite countless prayers, that what you've learnt, what you've gained ought to be kept to yourself, because it's holy, sacred and very much for you and you only. And somehow, I’ve learnt to forget and let live, and just take obstacles as lessons along the way, and hope fervently that the same mistake wouldn’t happen again. I cant say that everything I’ve prayed or asked for, has been fulfilled, that my wishes have been granted by a fairy-godmother, because it’s not what religion’s meant to be. It’s not meant for you to chart your future the way you want it to be, to ask for avoidance of obstacles just because you are scared or afraid to, or to get rid of the unknown and let there be sunshine, and no rain. Conversely, what it does, is to prepare you for these life-defining moments, to be able to be brave, courageous, to have faith, to be hopeful and to lead a life full of colours- of not only joy, but sorrow, disappointment, envy, sloth as well as excitement.

Maybe one of the most important lessons I’ve learnt, is that in this world, truth and untruth, righteousness and unrighteousness, joy and sorrow pass and change with time, that perhaps the gains of sorrow is more than that of happiness, that the joy of overcoming such hardships would be more everlasting, that we should never look for happiness alone. Perhaps, maybe, surely, happiness alone wouldn’t be as beautiful as magical as rare and fleeting because you can’t have one without the other, that there cant be a good guy unless there was bad to create the standard, and there can’t be true joy until sorrow comes along to show just how far off the path life could stray.

may your 2-0-0-7 be filled with loads of fun and ~~xuyinghui~~ joy. ;)

meanwhile, joie de vivre.

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 16:20:07 GMT

Happy new year everybody! This year’s been exciting, not in the fantabulous loud kinda YEAHHHH way, but in the more subtle, quiet, thrilling, giggly laughter way. I cant say I’ve never regretted any moment during the year, that I’ve been absolutely good and nice to everyone, neither can I say that I’ve achieved everything I’ve wanted or sought out to achieve. But I’m contented, and I’ve always believed that for everything that didn’t go my way, there’s a reason and I accept that bad things happen for a reason, for you to learn, to grow and to mature. And I’ve become stronger definitely.

I’ve learnt to understand that life isn’t defined by what you’ve achieved or where you are right now, by how much money, power or how popular you are, but instead by the little accumulative moments you spend getting from one place to another, from the little growth paths you embark on, on these intangible changes that take place within you, to become a better person for yourself, and for everyone else.

Similarly, like every end of year, it’s the time to express thank-yous, issue love-letters, talk on the phone endlessly and just shout out to everyone who’s touched my life in some way or another. Thank you so much for being with me, laughing, crying, dancing, getting drunk, doing senseless random stuff, teasing me, enduring all my match-making sessions and being just there for me. Thank you aiwen,yumin,hanyun,my OWN brotherhood for being the bestest friends ever, for being who you guys are, being there for me, and knowing me so well that time or distance doesn’t matter, that I wouldn’t be who I am, what I’ve become without you guys, been through all the rough times together, and I know it’s cliché, but I’m trusting you guys to understand the amount of emotions, feelings and everything else packed in the phrase ‘I love you, thank you’.

Thank you allison, my best friend made in 2006, for being the coolest best friend ever, what with our SAME BIRTHDAY AND US BEING BORN TEN MINUTES APART, plus all the incredible heartwarming chat sessions we have, and though we didn’t talk at all for so many months, we know deep down that we matter to each other, and I cant wait to be able to see you 24/7 when school reopens, jiayou with o1, don’t worry about bitching, and may we read each other’s minds more again, and yes we are the TRUE MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN. Thank you my darling super seven, gene, jialin, mei,lou for being the rock in whatever situations comes, being the funnest, coolest, zaiiest clique in class, for making lessons, times in school and of course Philippines so amazing and so miraculous, without you guys school life will be so boring, I wouldn’t be able to whine, talk, bitch, laugh, niao and feel so completely loved by you all, our friendship’s still blossoming and we are getting to know each other better, so yea, friends forever, SUPER SEVEN MIGHT SOUND CHILDISH BUT THE FRIENDSHIP WE HAVE is far from what it seems.

Thank you 06A15, CCA, FAC COM, PAP people for being so incredibly understanding, memorable and amazing. It’s hard to say much since I’ve been through a year with you guys, but special thanks to classmates, jiangchuan, yanhao, shupeng, shihong, alicia, angtzesiong, sean tan, peterwong, khangchiang, yunsong, Joanne, chenyuan, nicholasyong, nicholaslim, aunty Sharon, uncle Vincent, Alvin, pat, cherpeng, Daniel, albert, simon, ministerteo, mrpalmer, Florence and everyone else that I’ve missed.

Special thanks as well to heezhengxun and jackhuang plus the rest of the brotherhood for being amusing, entertaining, irritating, annoying and cute and adorable! I guess i am OBLIGED to thank mrhee especially since he entertains me on msn most of the time, and I think I whine a hell lot to him online, as compared to the rest at least, so yea thank you little one. AINT MY SONGS NICER THAN YOURS, and MY MATHS NOTES PUHLEASE. You cold giant with a big heart. Thank you my doc, sihui, meiling, aiwen,yumin, hanyun, Allison, hee, jack, Tristan, greg, bryan, timo, chris, ats, jc, shupeng and everyone else that’ve been patient enough to listen to me whine. And thank you mummy,daddy,sister for everything in my seventeen years of existence. Family is love.

(edit) OMG>< i knew i missed someone important out. sorryyy kall, teddy and sarah. ARGH SORRY SORRY SORRY. damn. anyway, thank you guys so much for being with us for all twelve days, making this trip even more fun, amazing and scandalous. ahhaha! thank you so much kal, especially, it's been very very nice talking to you about emo stuff, sharing what we honestly feel and thanks for being so thoughtful and sweet. you are one of the rare guys i think, that would write us such sweet christmas cards with a photo. omgg! damn sweet, even my mummy said so. anyway, ycm has been great with you, i cant believe how incredible fate has been, like from the random talking during ycm, to the going out with alli, then shopping, then crapping at some place, and then calling you like crazy to confirm details, and finally, being able to go together on the trip. you are one amazing friend, and WE MUST MEET UP OK? come for our campfire, we shall make you feel extremely welcomed, and then you will feel even more sad that you cant be with us 24/7 since you are in rj. HEH. LOVE YOU LIL BOY.

And finally, thank you missxuyinghui, for being a nice little girl.

OUT>< will blog in detail (I AM WARNING YOU) about friendships this year laterrr. i am high (ooopsss)

mahalkita (i love you)

hello 2-0-0-7

a little summary of the week:x-mas party,apollo,superseven,family

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 14:33:09 GMT

Oh well, uploading pictures is driving me nuts. Like they are so incredibly slow! I hope everyone appreciates the pictures, and the painstakingly diligent attempts to upload and share all the nice and memorable ones.

Anyway, I’ve been having quite a fun week. Started off with Christmas, wrote many cards, and wrote DAMN LONG FOR EVERYONE (aren’t you guys so honoured), and erm erm erm attempted to draw prettily on the cards. Then had many sessions at pasir-elias cc wrapping presents, tying balloons and the actual foam party. It was quite a lot of time. But it’s all worth it, seeing that I had SO MUCH FUN playing with the foam and of course, the little kids. Will always always remember what a memorable Christmas eve it was! The decorations esp the blue and silver column balloons were beyond pretty, it sort of blended in very well with the foam, so there was a magical effect when the party started. THANK YOU SO MUCH HANYUN, AIWEN, YUMIN, RYAN CHAN. You guys are muchly appreciated, thanks for coming all the way down to pasir ris. YAY LOVE YOU ALL. And the lights were really pretty as well, plus all the other random decorations.

And after some rehearsing through our rather pathetic and hilarious script (IT WAS TYPED AND DONE BY ME), we went to emcee the event. oh THANKEW SO MUCH MY TWO FELLOW CO-EMCEES (SIS AND SHIHONG) for ENDURING AND TOLERATING MY ANNOYING NATURE AND ALL MY HORRIBLY FUNNY LAME JOKES. you guys are quite zai to be able to put up with me, heh, especially shihong, whom i bully like mad. quite kelian ar, aiya, but i like to bully nice people. oh well, a compliment of sorts? And wth la, NO ONE wore the santa claus outfit except me, because they gave really lame excuses and said they looked horrible. AS IF I DON’T LA. But oh well, they lied and said I looked ok in it, and since I was the only brave and sporting one, I had to wear it and a lot of kids tugged at my long long overall, and asked me why I was wearing a raincoat. -.- okay, maybe the outfit didn’t work after all, but I must admit it was quite fun being in it, because it brought me back to my long long ago childhood days where I was prancing around with a wand and a fairy dress on Christmas eve.

Anyway! The emceeing went better than expected, the kids were really spontaneous. When we were playing the games, the kids were like so enthu, they practically jumped up the stage although we asked for only fifteen volunteers. And when we were playing jiggling with music (you have to basically dance till the music stops, and the next person who moves would have to be disqualified). So it was quite a tough job to pull the kids from the stage, cos they kept arguing with you that they didn’t move. And the minute you pull them off the stage, they stage a revenge mission, and they start trying to drag everyone off stage regardless of whether the kid is moving or not. But it was good fun! Then the magician wang lin or something did some magic tricks. He was q zai initially, but it got boring after a while. Whenever he asked them to say the magic word, he always misinterprets as ‘hanky panky’ ‘dirty dirty’ ‘naughty naughty’ when the actual word was ‘hokey pokey’. QUITE AMUSING HONESTLY>< the kids reactions were rather nice to watch.

It makes me think about how a long long time ago, I used to laugh and giggle whenever a magician said some really lame jokes, and to me, that was a splendid day JUST because of the magic tricks and magicians. It was so simple then, to be contented by these rather feeble jokes, cos life used to be so simple, and it didn’t take something major, or something really fun to make you laugh until your eyes tear. Then, even a joke so common, or a simple incident like getting a goodie bag, or even a photo with mr santa claus, could bring such a sincere, beautiful smile to their lips. It’s nice to relive our lives in the past, through the eyes of a seven year old. Gets rid of many of your own worries, and somehow, their laughters are just contagious, and you hear your own tickling laughter soon. That’s maybe one of the reasons why I really enjoyed the emceeing plus the foam party. We played three games, had a lucky draw, and it was a very good experience, to feel the different dynamics and to be able to spend Christmas eve with such lovable kids.

But I guess, the real reason, why I enjoyed it so much, was perhaps because it made me remember how it was to be simple, how it was to be young and free. I went about giving them sweets, before joining them to run around the place, getting sprayed by the jets of foam, sharing an umbrella with a little kid, opening a sweet wrapper and stuffing it into the little kids’ mouth, getting ATTACKED majorly by random little kids, taking pictures with them, throwing foam at everyone and anyone with real glee. It felt so natural, so fun, and so damn good. It didn’t feel like I was wearing a different coat, neither did I feel that I was different from the rest, in fact, I think to myself, and to every little kid who attacked me, I was their everyday friend, their normal kid, and that apart from the obvious physical differences, internally, I was very much the same. And indeed, I felt that way for that moment, that beautiful moment. I guess, only those that deem this enjoyment as childish, would not be able to experience such simple joys. Simplicity, I like.

Then I remembered, how I used to enjoy indulging in simple pleasures, the little cheap thrills if you might say. Like swinging on the swing, going as high as possible, trying to reach the skies, and giggling whenever daddy pushed me higher and higher, or dangling my feet while sitting on a side-wall or a bench, just the act of twinkiling your little toes, letting it feel and move the way you do, while watching your little feet like a amused, contented parent. used to really enjoy sitting by the beach, letting little waves crest at my feet, watching little particles of sand get stuck, and then slowly untangled by other gently tugging surrounding particles, these numerous little movements, before retreating back into the sea. It seemed then, that with every little wave upon me, it could bring a part of me to others somewhere else, who would be sitting in that exact position, enjoying the same pleasures whilst being on the opposite end of the globe.

Now it takes a lot more to be happy, and i know it’s something inevitable, it’s not like I’m whining and moaning, but rather I’m just reflecting on what used to be, and what perhaps can never be exactly the same anymore. It’s almost like swinging two lassos at the same time: of joy and yet of nostalgia, two conflicting emotions that were perhaps never meant to be put together. It was like a past self come calling, and you wishing that it would stay for a longer time or perhaps forever, but when that fleeting moment passes, darker emotions would come by and you would soon have to grabble with the fact that simplicity has gone, and that you might have to settle for something less pure, more tainted. Maybe that’s why, every time when such a rare opportunity comes by, I grab it and tug it close to my heart.

Had family outings, bought loads of HALTERS<3, tank tops and jeans plus shorts. I’m a little happy girl. Spent quite some quality time with parents, talked to them about a lot of stuff. Something unfavourable happened the night before, but I will elaborate in the next entry, cos it’s really important and I need to spend more time thinking about it before solidifying what I really feel.

And then, hahahaha! I PANGSEHD ATS. SORRYY! Hahahah! Anyway, I couldn’t go for the amazing race try out, because I was busy with family stuff, so yea, I forgot to inform my dear dance partner plus partner of many other stuff. So yea, we were supposed to man the Apollo major station at mac-ritchie, but I wasn’t there, so basically the poor poor black little guy had to be there ALONE from 11-6 before some friends came along and pei-ed him. I was quite evil, after he called me, which was really quite amusing, I kept laughing, while he tried to rage at me because it just sounds so incredulous and he’s quite kelian. I could imagine him sitting there talking to the turtles while carrying a little pink umbrella in the rain. HAHAH! Monkey talk to turtles, pity he wasn’t at bukit timah hill, where he could better identify with the baboons and monkeys there. Anyway, SORRY! And you better hurry up learn the dance ok, I’m damn excited to dance it. It’s prettaye and damn zai. APOLLO RULES.

Then today was pretty fun! Went to kap like at eight, to do MATHS, and failed terribly as expected. Ended up listening to childish, whiny, girly conversations while falling asleep. Then, YAY, SUPER SEVEN MET!!!! Hahahhaa, it’s damn good to see each other again, though we just saw each other recently, but oh well, girls are like that. We miss each other so much, that even a few days would be pure torture. Hahah! Ended up hugging all of them, including hanyun, who got hugged by me for a 1001 times already. Hahah! Lucky girl. Yea, thankew lou and jialin for your pretty presents. Really appreciate the effort. All of yours are with ME in the cupboard. Yay! Had a nice talk, and a really condensed updating session cos everyone had to rush here and there, so yea, was like trying to talk as much as possible and take as many pictures as possible. So it was really heartwarming, nice, sweet stuff. It feels really good to meet you guys before school starts. YAY! I heart you all. it's almost as good as the session when hanyun and i met allison phua. heh! that particular meeting was exciting,fun and it made me damn relieved and at ease after a long time, because i didnt have the opportunity to talk to my twin for so damn long, and i reallllllyyyyy dont want us to shu yuan, cos she means a hell lot to me. i mean, how often can you get such a good best friend who can read your mind damn well, who understands what you feel all the time, and best of all, can talk about the hardest stuff and still feel good about it. and most importantly, WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY AND WE WERE BORN TEN MINUTES APART. LIKE ONE IN A MILLION LA. <3333 I don’t know how to explain what I felt, but it wasn’t like a heart racing or beating damn fast as it would when you see your crush, but rather, like a piece of you seems to be gone for a long time, and that meeting we had seemed to piece everything together with a small and whirling click, before the whole year could settle and end beautifully and peacefully. I felt whole again, somehow, and I feel peaceful. Wonders of the heart and mind.

Then had faculty dancing plus meeting plus all the random talks, we played truth and dare in kfc which I DRAGGED AND COERCED EVERYONE TO GO. Hahah! I’m quite pro, I told them that they should eat kfc cos cheese fries were yellow in colour and it symbolises and celebrates apollo’s spirit. How dumb! But anyway, everyone followed me in the end, I think I have a thing about convincing people subconsciously to do things my way. Heh-heh. Anyway, they tortured me as usual, SEAN TAN(XIAN DAN), YUNSONG, PETER WONG, CHEN YUAN and to a much lesser extent, JOANNE, you guys watch out! had a nice talk about what it means to like someone from the expert alicia lye. heh! she's our little mama-san, she has THOUSANDS OF sweets in her bag la. sugar high girl. had quite a fun time niaoing xian dan and the rest of the guys, i really enjoy bullying people somehow. Danced like mad, had quite a lot of fun dancing with chern wei. Hahaha! You are quite zai honestly, but must have more confidence. But you are damn high-spirited, and not reserved even though we all chu chou, so that’s damn good! Then went back to rua to talk crap, and wait till daddy came, before going home. Oh well. A very nice week indeed, but SOME PEOPLE STILL OWE ME MY MATHS NOTES><. Hmph! Pffffttt. I need to start work soon. crap

Toddles people, I’m gonna spend all the rainy nights talking to old friends, drinking a cuppa hot chocolate, while reading nice, sentimental, emo books.

Sarang heyo everybody.

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 14:29:44 GMT

I guess this is reallllllyy late, but I’m just not in the right mood to blog about Philippines and all the excitement we had. So I just decided that I shant do a mechanical recount of what happened, cos it just doesn’t pay justice to our experience.

*15 November:
Went to the airport early in the morning with hanyun. Her lock didn’t work, it couldn’t be opened!! What bad luck! Anyway, we tried to force it open with various codes, but it couldn’t work. Then honey, was visibly shaken, and tried calling her aunt and her uncle. Then, mum forced it open, and honey ended up using the same lock as me. PHEW! BU XING ZHONG DE DA XING.

Allison and Louisa came, but we were stuck inside, so we could only wave madly and blow flying kisses through a glass window. SO SAD! The guards got a little pissed off with the three of us, cos we kept making kissy sounds and kept laughing. O well! went on the plane, sat with honey in the end. Talked a little, and the take-off was SUPER DUPER SLOW. Like forever, seriously. yea, we basically played games, slept and talked. My ears couldn’t pop! It was incredibly painful, the worst so far. I hate that part of the flight. Was talking and hearing my own echoes. Quite eerie, I must say.

Went to orchid garden suites. We were quite disappointed cos we lived on different floors and so far apart. Anyway, both of us were very happy with our rooms, cosy, family-like and very pretty. There was a mini-problem because mr white’s and mr mile’s room had a really nice living room and sofa and tv, BUT horrors of all horrors, their room had a double bed, so they would have to sleep together (AHEM). So yea, after a little tension and everything, they swopped rooms and lived happily ever after, beside our room. Took many nice pictures in the room, but they all got deleted. RAH!

The night visits to fort Santiago and rizal park were not bad, but not too exciting for a geoger like me. We basically took loads of random pictures, and learnt a little bit about the hero and martyr- Jose Rizal. All that I can remember till now, would be the footprints marking his route from his prison cell to where he was executed (it was quite cool because he had to face the firing squad, but he deliberately made an effort to turn and face the sky, hence fulfilling his death wish)

*16 November:
Philipinoland was exhilarating, memorable and fun! Will always remember lake taal (volcano within a volcano, lake within a lake)- the traveling in the lake which used to be a crater was magical, the longg walk up was terribly hilarious and scary because horses kept neighing and breathing down my neck which made me scream in shock whenever one was behind me.

(HORSE ONE: puff puff puff. YINGHUI (turns around) and screams. TEACHERS: HAHAHAHAHA…… HORSE 101: puff puff puff and head butt. YINGHUI: ARGHHHHHHHH! TEACHERS: GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME) I cant remember who, but I remember quite clearly that I was laughing my head off cos Ervin and chao han were practically dancing around trying to escape the evils of the greenish-sticky-gooey-disgusting lao-sai from the horses.

Loved the scenery at the top. Went down and decided to conquer my fear of head-butting horses by RIDING ON ONE><. Rode one with jialin who screams INTO YOUR EAR. It was terribly rocky and since both of us sat on the horse, my butt was ON this metal thing and since the ride was extremely bumpy, one whole piece of skin fell off. -.-

Jialin: ARGHHH, I AM SCARED! DAMN SCARY
Yinghui: SHUDDUP, DAMNIT IT HURTS
Jialin: WHAT HURTS
Yinghui: MY BUTT
Jialin: WANNA CHANGE PLACES?
Yinghui: ARE U NUTS?! ON THE HORSE?!
Yinghui: continued moaning the entire way down, while jialin continues screaming.

I wont forget the crazy horse-rider who managed three horses: denise’s (he was hitting on denise I THINK), kaleni (his horse pee-ed and poo-ed like a fountain) and me and jialin’s. the horse-rider was damn cruel, kept smacking our horse, so jialin and I screamed damn loudly (*whip whip whip* JIALIN AND I: STOP IT NOW!. POOR HORSE, DON’T DO THAT AGAIN the entire way down) somewhere near the bottom, our crazy horse-rider told us : DOWN DOWN DOWN. NOW NOW NOW. Pay money NOW. We stared at him and he repeated again, and we got pissed. Kaleni the hero told him that we will pay when we reach the bottom and he was damn indignant but we were more stubborn. When we reached the bottom, kal’s horse pee-ed a fountain and the crazy horse-rider demanded we pay up when WE ALREADY DID.

Went to rice institute, which was rather erm…. Boring. Didn’t learn much, basically walked around, but took a rather cute picture with honey. WE ARE FARMERS. ADORABLE EH. Dinner was interesting, because the guide showed us this baby duckling egg thing, which was quite gross, since it’s partially feathers and meat, and it had a beak. >< the way to eat it is really scary, since you’ve got to bite the head off and peel the feathers off, and dip it in soya sauce and salt. Ew! So the guys and clara (brave girl) played zhongjimima and erm, jack and hee were ACTING SMART, and hence eventually though they wanted to sabo mr white, miss ong was smarter than them, and hence jack huang had to eat it. It was quite brave of him though. On our part, we basically laughed at his misfortune, and grimaced when he ate it down, and then laughed again when he looked okay, albeit a little uneasy.

All the amazing night sessions were good fun! All girls night with jialin, me, honey, gene, sihui, yimtong. We played slap jack the entire night till twelve, and it was quite funny bos I was hoping that either tong or jialin would lose as tong would have to model in my halter and other clothes while jialin would have to do a prank on jack. In the end, hoejialin lost, and had to borrow jack’s shirt to wear overnight. It sounded quite ahem kinky, so we all readily agreed, but hoejialin was too noob, and spoilt the prank cos she was so bloody obvious.

Had good nice snuggly night talks with honey, and had quite a peaceful and beautiful time being in the same room, sleeping on the same bed, talking before either one passes out, eating, drinking, playing, even the simplest stuff like brushing teeth using the same mirror, washing dirty laundry, washing shoes and our famous powder formula for all dirty clothes was memorable in a subtle, quiet way. It’s hard to put into words, but it felt really good, really cosy being in the same room. I’ve learnt to realize the value of chosen silence- the idea of being perfectly comfortable with each other, that there is no need to make conversation for the sake of one. The act of doing what you want to do, simply being honestly, truthfully yourself is one that I value and cherish. I heart you, soul-mate. HEI BAI PEI <3!

*17 November:
Correigdor was more educational, learnt about the history of the island etcetc, saw the barracks, the fortress, the un-used heavy guns, the scenery was prettaye, saw many statues of historical figures. Our guide, was really corny and lame. Seriously, he kept making allusions to getting a wife and miss ong was the unlucky victim. He was very nice, almost grand-fatherly other than the unsubtle hints. He has a serious obsession with marrying a young wife. Nonetheless, he was an engaging and very exciting tour-guide. We went into the tunnel which was honestly quite zai, with all the sound effects and nice atmosphere. Shopping later was quite chaotic but fun. Grabbed as many clothes as possible and dashed from one place to another. Shou-huo bu xiao. ;)

We had shabu-shabu for dinner! NO MORE SEAFOOD. It was really quite nice, almost like the marina-bay steamboat style, just that the food was slighty different. Very tasty, the four of us sat at the counter whilst watching the chefs cook. They were rather friendly, perhaps bordering on over-friendly, but still nice in general. We were really quite blur about everything, and I swear, jialin eats like a chicken. Pathetically little, and pathetically messy. Couldn’t finish the food and dumped it all at Tristan. Went to take pictures of the pretty fireworks(it was a celebration because they won this boxing competition). Took rather retarded pictures, see below for more, we basically took dao ones, cigarette like ones, and sweet ones. =) nice!

Then it was sarah’s and mile’s bday, was quite cosy and sweet. The guys performed a song in this gay blue tee-shirt. But oh well, they are definitely sporting and very funny. Talented! Mr miles had to dance with sarah and Amanda, Bernice and Karen were quite adorable in their outfits. But somehow, the one-five-ers felt a little queer, but still very enjoyable.

*18 November
Tondo was memorable and touching in a certain way. Saw the kids, talked to them a little, went into their houses, saw them dancing. Saw the pictures before and after, applauded the great effort by the gawad kalinga team. It definitely takes a great deal of compassion, hard work, and belief to make it happen. Went to smoky mountain. They did not have a regular supply of water, there were flies, an unfamiliar stench, children with stunted growth, deformed teeth, houses that were damp and dusky, first children beggars I saw, nasty old mans who kept shouting ‘how much’ and followed us up the bus. Jack and hee played basketball with them, and for a while, I just looked at them, stared at the obvious physical differences (clothing, height, health etc etc) and yet realized how superficial that was, when fundamentally they were very much the same. Felt a mixture of emotions: touched, gratified, amused, enlightened. Reflected a bit about how some people can put down all that baggage, all the differences, all the conflicting emotions. Ignore all these, and acknowledge the similarities, and play together as a team. Heart-warming stuff. Peifu.

Reflected a bit about the concept of urban poor and rural poor. Went to banaue, saw the living standards of the rural poor and felt very much enlightened and, heartened. The urban and rural poor have very different mentalities, different lifestyles and different outlooks of life. Talked to one family in broken English, realized that they were very happy, contented with their life as it is. Being able to send their children to primary schools, being able to feed all members of the family, and having a job to do was enough for them. They were proud of who they were, what they had and how they led their lives. Their culture, roots and traditions were deeply entrenched and for once, the philippino kampong spirit felt foreign, yet deeply moving. In contrast, the urban poor had poor hygiene conditions, lived in very densely populated regions, had poor basic supplies, had dreams of making it big, huge ambitions and were definitely not contented. They were unhappy with the government, had luxurious dreams that could not be fulfilled and were plagued with a vicious cycle of downward poverty. They were victims of the rich-man diseases like alcoholism, smoking etc, yet led the lifestyles of the rural poor. They were generally without a smile, very much reminiscent of the rural villages in china. The landscapes and the scenery paralleled with what I felt. The feeling of peace, serenity and contentment with the beauty of the rice terraces in banaue as opposed to the stench, overwhelming dark pile of garbage stacked on the mountains with the general mentality of the people. It goes to show that being poorer doesn’t necessarily mean to be less happy.

19 November
My fave day! Woke up at crazy hours to get to Mount Pinatubo. We were like little kids reliving our childhood memories. Swinging our heads, tossing our hair in the wind, and embracing the sand, scenery, splendour with open arms like I used to in my childhood days. The entire time, it was so exhilarating, I could feel air catch in my lungs, with a cramp in my butt, but this wonderful physical pain, reminds me after all that I’m still alive, and it’s me YES ME who’s experiencing this incredible journey. Surreal. Hahah! It was so sad that kaleni couldn’t join us, cos of that nasty person. HMPH! The four of us sat on the jeep and off we went. Jialin and I were singing damn loudly ‘YOU DRIVE ME CRAZYYYY’ as if we had no cares in the world and hanyun and gene were shaking their heads in disbelief. We tried to sing so loud that greg’s jeep in front could hear, but unfortunately they couldn’t. the sand was flying in our eyes, we were treated to a magnificent view of the mountains, scarps, enscarpments, rocks that grew increasingly smaller towards the mountain, sparkling clear meandering rivers, springs, fresh air, and a view of the sky to die for. It was just so beautiful, and I almost wanted to stand on top of the jeep with my arms wide open and just scream AHHHH till my lungs die on me. But anyway, gene honey and I were busy discussing about geog landforms while jialin was taking pictures and videos. It was FANTABULOUS! Our driver was terribly un-subtle, when asked if he wanted us to stop singing. HE GRINNED AND SAID NO IT”S OK AND POINTED TO HIS EAR PIECES IN HIS EAR. How nice. It’s a pity we didn’t get to the top of mount Pinatubo though. Anyway, it was quite hilarious because mr white liked to put his hands around girls’s waists when taking pictures. I found it perfectly ok, but gene was like ‘YOU PERVERT”. HAHAHAHA, and mr white was like ‘WHAT?!! I AM A PERVERT’ 0.0 we couldn’t help laughing. Collected a lot of ash and rocks and learnt quite a lot about hands-on geography. Till now, it still seems impossible how fluvial erosion and the under-cutting of rocks. But anyhow, this little adventure sparked off many nostalgic memories of older times, and I definitely cant wait to go back-packing, climbing mountains, conquering all the universe(s) of the world. I LOVE.

Our first long bus-ride (seven hours) to banaue was quite exciting. Slept the entire way with my sleeping partner (honey) while having to bear with the endless chattering of jialin, ryan chan, kaleni or even terence fong. Played Indian poker which was incredibly lame (the forfeits were meant to sabo people I realize, and I realize that hanyun isn’t that reliable eh? Nasty. Pls delete the video my darlings ><). Had more ‘how much incidents’ – not too pleasant with the endless teasings by people who swore I look like a philippino. >< (somehow amazing Philippines comes into mind). Reached banaue damn late and the ride up was endless and incredibly scary (but sleeping partner and I slept the entire time). Reached our hotel and realized that ONCE AGAIN, we were not placed beside gene and jialin. Boo! Were on the same floor as miss ong and the little ones. Had scary incidents with a moth, spider and a cricket. (recalls teddy’s calm and collected nature as opposed to kal’s SCREAMING- SHRIEKING- HYENAISH- FEMALE- BANGING HIS SHOE AT NOWHERE behaviour. HEH.) watched goong while the trio played heroes five (which I declare is super stupid, and it never seems to end, does it?) played the slapping game with all three of them, in which I was pathetic at, ended up with a bruised left hand and a severely- bruised esteem. Hee, was the most evil, since he slapped damn hard, and thoroughly enjoyed the entire process. Evil evil evil. Tristan’s two-finger thingy was extremely cruel and impossibly painful. Ouch ouch ouch! HOW DARE YOU! Jialin joined me to show them the power of girls hopefully, but obviously failed. All that she managed to do was to hit hee in a very sensitive area due to a reflex action. However, it was still a victory in hoejialin’s low standards. Ended up watching goong OUTSIDE THEIR TOILET(*%^&$$###), though we lent them the laptop. HOW INCREDIBLY GENTLEMANLY EH?!

20 November

The banaue rice terraces were really one of a kind (eighth world wonder) I was totally mesmerized by the breath-taking view. I guess it differs from the normal rice terraces because it was built with spectacular determination and drive. According to the tour guide, they spent almost eight months digging a hole and inserting rocks so that despite heavy torrential rain, the rice terraces would still remain relatively un-touched. The strength of this terraces allowed it to thrive for almost two thousands years. Really enjoyed all the climbing cum workout sessions down and up the rocky steep terrain. Had a good view of the scenery, had nice but animated chats with random people.

Went to the schools where we sang dumb but cute songs to the little ones. Greg, jack and hee were retarded as usual, sitting down with the little ones during the lessons. They fit in somehow, so sweeett! Climbed up and down another rice terrace shaped like a funnel, which was historic and memorable as hoejialin made many funny remarks there. (rmb the famous rice one? And the walking stick one and the casino one) after that, honey and I had a damn fun and damn exhilarating first-time on top of the jeepney. We got much more than we asked for. We wanted to experience the thrill for like max half an hour, and we sat on the top for almost one and a half hour. Hahaha! But it was great fun. I was so paranoid about dirtying my white pants and having to wash it at night, that I sat on a minute piece of plastic. Honey had to keep adjusting it for me so that it would stick. it was very exhilarating, we sang or maybe I shrieked Disney songs the entire way, while inserting sudden explosive comments like : WATCH OUT, LEAF BRANCH! It was almost exciting to dodge the amazing number of emerging trees and branches. It was almost like a roller-coaster ride, you had to hold on to the bar really tightly and u sit on a dirty and rusty tire, and the jeep moves at incredible speed. The cold air rushes in your face and you feel like you are on top of the world. Pretty cool hur. Suddenly you can see everything, the little rocky hills, waterfalls, springs, rapids, the terraces, the pretty sunflowers. From a distance, it looks like heaven;) there are many little little incidents tucked at the back of my mind, stored in a little treasure box. If I had to choose, to really pick out the best and most memorable incidents, this would definitely be one of them. For once, I remember, this would be the very first time I’ve ever managed to look at the surroundings, breathe in the fresh air, sing songs yet maintain a quiet, soothing mentality with my eyes WIDE OPEN.

Another magical memory tucked in my little treasure box. Saw a breath-taking view of the stars. It was really magical, being 60,000 feet up, so the stars were so close to us. They sparkled, shimmered, and took our breath away. Hanyun and I just stared at the stars, mouting wow, and realizing in a quiet sort of way, how lucky we were, to be able to stand there, to enjoy such a beautiful, quiet, peaceful moment with good friends. Went to the pool area and enjoyed the beautiful scenery whilst the anti-social trio stayed in our room. I suddenly realize how hard it is to wake xiaohongyu up. The two guys were taking turns sleeping and resting while playing their games, and unlike Tristan and Hee whom could be easily woken up with a gentle shake, they had to scream XIAO HONGYU XIAO HONGYU YOUR TURN many times before he went hur? Oh and gene and hee shared the same bed. Heh! Greg, was our nice tour-guide, but we didn’t manage to see any shooting stars. We saw crazy-nutty pakman lying in the dark alone till three am. Before all tht, jialin realized the guys were going swimming in the dark, so she plotted but, to no avail. We tip-toed towards the swimming pool and tried to scare them by screaming ‘how much’ and ‘sexy back’, errr, but I doubt it worked. We went closer to see what on earth they were doing as it was pitch black and stupidly got sprayed with water by the evil boys. Jialin almost got pushed into the water by hee when she shouted “I HAVE MY PERIOD’’. It got cold so we went back. The banaue hotel was fine, but we generally preferred the manila one, cos it was more cosy, less eerie, had air-con, didn’t have icky insects, and we lived on the same floor as the teachers plus we weren’t surrounded by tall, dark, looming trees. But the scenery was just fantabulous.

21 Novemeber:
Woke up damn early to go to laoag and visited clark airbase along the way. It was incredibly long, almost twelve hours plus plus cos we had to go on a detour cos of a landslide due to typhoon durian. Slept the entire journey with sleeping partner, the ride was rather rocky and it kept turning, made me a bit woozy. Reached fort illocandia, it was pretty pretty pretty, very grand and it had a casino and a BEACH!!!!. WOOHOO. We were hoping that we would be allocated to a room beside gene, but again, we weren’t. but nevermind, it was fine too. So we were far far away from the rest, but they came into our rooms too. See the amount of charm honey and I have? Heh! The room was damn nice, the best so far, because it had A HAIR DRYER, a BATH TUB and A PHONE IN THE TOILET. How cool can it get? It had a huge mirror (I LIKE) and a nice balcony with lights as well. Pretty! Anyway the guys came over and started playing without bathing beforehand. How terribly hygienic. Honey and I were making noises behind their back, before Yinghui- the brave one decided to add a generous dash of powder to their backs to lessen the smelly odours. Hanyun and I went with the others to the beach which was realllyyyy soft, pretty and welcoming. We had little torch lights and we passed by the zoo, which had funny quacking noises presumably from the ducks. It was almost romantic, walking hand in hand in complete darkness to star-gaze. Freedoommmm.

The sand was incredibly soft, you could almost sink into it as your foot touches the ground. We gazed at the stars which were just spectacular. The vastness of the surrounding mountains, the endless South China Sea and its beautiful white-crested waves and of course, the shooting stars. It was beyond magical. I remember for that one moment I believed I was hitchhiking on one of the comets, falling so fast that I would burn away before I ever hit the ground. I dreammm.

Went to grab the little ones from our room and demanded they follow me to the beach. Lo and behold, Tristan loo and hongyu were playing their idiotic game whilst heezhengxun was screaming and moaning and groaning while watching the game between arsenal and Newcastle. Apparently, they were pretty loud, bcos Bernice and Karen came over to order them to SHUT UP OR GET OUT. In which they did. They being spoilt brats, with no gratitude, grumbled the WHOLE FRIGGING TIME as we walked to the beach. Went there, everyone abandoned me. How nice. Sighhh, so I accompanied the little ones to watch the stars, which was quite amusing and memorable I guess. Hongyu, stared intensely at the sky to find a shooting star, but it took him like ages to FINALLY see one. Tristan loo walked around endlessly don’t know doing what, wondering into the sea which got me quite scared. I don’t really like the sea, you see. Hee was his usual self. I sat there, minding my own business and learnt a couple of new songs. Not bad, and they had to grudgingly admit that it was a worthwhile trip. HA. After that, went to jialin’s room, they were drinking some caramel chocolate alcohol drink, which basically burnt my throat and left a nasty taste. Not nice at all, I tell you. As usual, everyone collapsed into sleep, while I watched a funny, dramatic show with snakes. Then we went to sleep.

22 November
Woke up at unearthly hours -five. Honey, me, kal, gene, jialin, teddy went to the beach to watch the sunset. Couldn’t see much though as we were facing the wrong direction! Sad, but we managed to have fun playing in the sea. The waves were really pretty and we made a super-seven heart. Took nice pictures. BUT BUT BUT BUT the best thing was MY CAMERA DIED. LIKE WTHHHHH!!!!! OMGOMGOMOMG I SCREAMED. Damn loudly. Seriously, the memory card went blank and all my pretty pictures were gone. WTFFFFFFFFf. So, I tried calling the pro people aka Tristan loo to ask if there was any hope. He was extremely unsentimental, and could not understand my grief and said erm no, and hung up the phone,. I then called heezhengxun hopefully for some sympathy to grieve about my loss, and again, to no avail. They actually COMPLAINED about me, that I was stupid enough to ask the same questions twice. ;( We went to marcos illocos norte, which was I’m sorry, not as exciting as the past few days. We went to the museum and the church. Then YAY, we had the entire afternoon free to explore. Gene and I decided to go swimming, which we eventually did, but we had no goggles, and it stunk like crazy. So we did some floating and played ball for a while. The rest went for atv and I watched them from the top. It was quite hilarious, especially jialin- she was the best rider of the year I swear.

Mr white and mr miles: pointed at this queer looking character riding on the atv. That particular character swerved and could not grasp control of the vehicle and went left and then right, and then left and then right, but NEVER the centre.

They said: HOHOHOHO, what bad and atrocious driving, I bet that’s Yinghui.

Miss ong: YEA, it looks like her

Yinghui (BEHIND THEM gets quite indignant that I’ve been unfairly insulted): HELOOOOO, THAT IS SO NOT ME. YINGHUI IS HERE. That, IS HOEJIALIN THE IDIOT. MUAHAHAHA
Mr white and mr miles(turn around in shock and laugh): OH yea, why didn’t we think of jialin. Hohohoho! Women-drivers (shake head)

After which, I went back into the pool with sihui and bounced around, then did random tanning while talking to people. Went to watch the sun-set. It was plenty of emoing and less of fun. The sun-set was just spectacular, the slow gradual movement of the sun and the moon, the warm hues of orange and red, and then the darker companions of darkish gray and black. Pretty! It’s almost like a gradual self- introspection of your dark side. Everyone was basically emoing, taking emo pictures and walking down the beach alone. Hanyun, jialin and I walked down the beach bare-footed, singing warm tunes, humming and just basically talking.

It felt so perfect, and it reminded me of many bitter-sweet memories of the past. Walking down that beach, with people you love and care about, is something that will always remain entrenched in my memory. Barefooted, kicking up sand, facing the sun-set, breathing in the gentle wispy breeze is beyond peaceful. That’s what freedom brings, and gives. Peace in a quiet, surreal, soothing sort of way. Have never felt this way for a longg time. I love the feeling of the waves at my feet, gently splashing, teasing, the gentle twinkle of our laughters, low and deep, our quiet foot-steps and the occasional cry of joy. It sometimes happens when you are just enjoying the moment, so much so that you forget where you are, why you are there, where I could have been and would rather be, forgot about everything but just simply walking down the beach with people you care about, a pleasure as pure as beautiful as one can ever imagine. It sounds cliché, but I’ve never packed so much emotions, feelings and meaning in a word before. And I mean it when I say ‘it’s beautiful’.

Went for dinner, had a great dinner cos it was so pretty and nicely set up. The effort put in was just over-whelming, we had personal waiters, a buffet table, delicious and sumptuous food, a grand fountain and an area to dance. Hahah! It was really gorgeous! After eating, we went DANCING. YAY! Had quite a bit of fun. Danced with honey, jialin, gene, meiling,missong(SHE IS DAMN HIONG. QUITE ZAI), jack and hee. It was quite nice dancing in general, cos you can really let your hair down and do whatever seductive, sexy, funny, stupid, idiotic movements you want. =) we had a mixture of slow and fast dances, in which I obviously prefer to dance the fast ones. But I danced the slow ones with mr miles, mr perry (WHO COMMENTED THAT HE ENJOYED MY DANCING) and mr white (WHOM GRABBED ME AND WAS laughing while dancing. He was so close to me that I could hear his even breathing) I had a greattt time, it was reallyyyyyy memorable. Went back to the room and had a long talk with the little one. Mmmmm, he FORCED the truth out of me, I had no choice, I swear. (truth about who I liked) I had to give in to him eventually, cos he was louder, more buggerish, and extremely childish (he threw m and n’s around) But anyway, it was still a nice talk, though I was sent on multiple guilt trips and had to keep apologizing. Got to know the little one better, found out that he’s really a cold giant with a big heart. Nice to talk rubbish to though. Mmmm, he lay on hanyun’s side of the bed, which made her extremely indignant. HAHA! Sorry dear. Heh! Erm, talked till two am when hanyun and jialin came into the room, and stared at me with accusing, suggestive eyes. The little one said some crap like ‘waste my time, why you guys take such a long time’ and went out of the room, leaving me to answer all their questions. 0.0 To conclude, it was quite a memorable night.

23 November
The morning was quite peculiar. Couldn’t find my earrings and stuff and suspected it was in hee’s room, so wanted to call them. But realized that it would probably be dumb, knowing well enough that they will rage and scream and swear at anyone so I waited patiently outside the door. However, greg and jack, being super hiong, went to knock their door verociously and rang the bell many times, and subsequently left. So basically, when hongyu opened the door, he looked at me accusingly, before I could defend myself, and shouted the f word, and ‘WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?! CAN YOU SERIOUSLY STOP THIS’ and slammed the door. I was furious, got me seriously pissed off. STOMPED DOWN THE STAIRS AND CURSED THEM. Hahaha, what the hell, I’ve been literally a maid and a fridge for their purposes. O WELL but I forgive them. <3

Went to the university. There were people demonstrating in red shirts, and saw huge posters asking students to skip school to petition against the rise of tuition fees. Was split into groups, and we basically interacted with them and talked about quite a number of issues. Was quite enlightened by all the comments from our people as well as theirs. People power suddenly has an entirely different meaning, it makes me wonder about our own political situation. I’m not a critic of the government DUH. But I somehow agree with what one of the girl whispered to me when the professor was giving his talk. That Singapore, is a young nation, and that though things might not necessarily be right the way it is, there’s a lot more time and space and avenues to change in the near future. Besides, I personally believe, that there’s a time and place for everything and that bad times call for urgent, revoluntionary measures. So when the time comes, when Singaporeans in general see a urgent need to be heard and that more political freedom ought to be in place, I’m sure the government would be sensitive enough to adhere accordingly, to the best interests of the country.

Had dinner and ate hal0-halo. We basically overheard jack huang’s conversation, and got angry. Hahah! It’s quite comical to think about it. At that moment, it really felt like an episode of mean girls. =) oh well, all I want to say, is that guys generally have a thing about respect. they deem it as something that’s exclusive, that’s really special for the person whom they admire or look up to. But, girls, in general, see respect as something fundamental. You respect an individual for who he is, what he does, and how he upholds himself. You respect an old beggar for his perseverance amidst insurmountable obstacles, you respect a sickly young man for his positive outlook of life, but you ALSO respect a normal, ordinary school girl for her positive character traits, or even her ability to maintain her own identity against strong winds of peer pressure.

Mmmm, it wasn’t a very positive day I guess. Everyone was tired and the vibes weren’t that good. A forgettable day

24 November

Took an internal flight, which was alright. Except the guy beside me was a little freaky. He was talking to me endlessly about crap. And he made an observation which freaked me out. He was like “do you like pink’ then I’m like hur? No not really. Then he said ‘but why are you wearing pink?’ and I looked down at my shirt it was green, my pants was white, my shoes were orange and nothing was pink. Then I looked down again, and realized, omg, I’m wearing a pink half-tube inside, which cant be seen unless you look realllyy closely. So ok. Yea, scary. Anyway, the palawan airport was a far cry from the usual. It was extremely small, and I will always remember that we had to go find our luggage from those container boxes at the bag of the airplane and carry it out because the conveyor belt spoilt. How incredibly conveinant.

We went to our hotel, which was nice I guess, but definitely not comparable to fort illocandia, because the facilities were sad! There wasn’t any beach, all it had was a swimming pool. Anyway, as usual they screwed up our room, so honey and I went to the gifts shop and I went crazy. The bracelets were SO PRETTY. I couldn’t resist so I ended up buying four. DAMN NICE LA. I will keep them FOREVER. So yea! And we went into our room finally, and realized our closest neighbour was the three of them again. So it was quite sad, but gene was right opposite us. So YAY WAVE WAVE. Anyway the room was okay I guess, there was a full-length mirror. Photowhored with the three of them and took rather cool pictures.

Proceeded to the souvenir shop which sold things made by the prisoners. Everyone went crazy I swear, I bought quite a lot of charm-bracelets, necklaces, earrings etc etc. we got split up into our vans again, so yay, it was love. We basically niaoed jialin, and I emoed with kal’s ipod and we slept the entire way as usual. Went to baker hill, where we had quite a lot of fun surprisingly. We took pictures with a tiger, little snow white, and finally a booby- lady. Hahah! And then, we went to the playground and played see-saw and THE SWING. It was really great fun, reliving our child-hood and we couldn’t help screaming. Hahah! I enjoyed it a lot a lot! Nice pictures too. I think the swing was meant to take little kids, so it went a bit haphazardly, sideways instead of up and down. Little thrills

The night activities were a lot more interesting! went for dinner, came back, was minding my own business. Talked to Tristan, and he came over to my room, to talk to me about well stuff. Had quite a nice conver, somehow hee came in. and then suddenly denise came in. then after a little drama, everything cooled down. And erm, Tristan talked to me about more intellectual, deep stuff, and shared with him about quite abit of my feelings and emotions etc etc. had quite a nice talk with him, felt much better after talking. Then, went into their room, and talked to them about stuff till quite late. Then went to sleep. No specifics, sensitive/private stuff.

25 November
Brilliant day as well. we went to the Puerto princessa national park, and visited the limestone caves and traveled across the ocean/sea to the place. It was INFESTED with monitor lizards I swear. Tons of them! I hate iggly, squiggly, scaly little things like monitor lizards. And there were SO MANY OF THEM, so I basically placed my legs on the chair, so they couldn’t come near me. There were monkeys as well, we saw one huge block of limestone when we arrived. It was really quite incredible, we could see the massive bedding planes and the rocks, as well as the joints and the biological weathering by root action going on. On the whole, however, it was quite well taken care of. (I JUST RESEARCHED ABOUT IT cos hanyun and I have to do a report abt limestone caves so YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO RATTLE ON AND ON ABOUT IT) ;) yup! Went to the limestone caves and there was a beautiful clear and greenish looking lake at the mouth of the cave, so we went inside and took many pictures as usual. Waited for approximately one and a half hours, and went fish-catching with miss ong. Mr white took some realty nice and arty pictures of us catching fishes.

Finally, we got into the same boat as mr white, and it was really exciting! One of the most memorable trips ever. The journey into the limestone cave was just so brilliant. We saw so many different shapes of limestones, and we could even see the line indicating the water line, we learnt about the history of the limestone, and we could see very clearly the saturation and un-saturated zone. Solution rates were diverse, and the rocks formed were obviously different as well. we saw bats, their droppings and had a nice chat with the tourguide. Being in a limestone cave with MASSIVE structures and touching a limestone rock is just so different! Glad I learnt a lot that day

Night-time was FUN! Had dinner, and then white told me jack was looking for me, so went to find him. Had quite an animated and funny conversation with jack, and eventually hee. Learnt quite a bit about both of them, and clarified some misunderstandings. Hanyun, jialin and gene went to the bar first before I joined them. By that time, they had already drank a blowjob and some other drink, and noticed that Genevieve was very red in the face, and she seemd a little woozy. Danced a bit, and teachers shooed us back. We started worrying about gene, cos she kept laughing, and falling, and doing weird stuff. So then, we decided she was DRUNK! Hahah! And it was quite hilarious and memorable. At night, though white kept shooeing us around, and making us go to sleep, Ervin, kal, gene, jialin sneaked into our room and talked about quite deep stuff. Hahah! They basically interrogated me and kal, POOR DARHLINKS. And erm, yea, not bad, good bitching cum listening cum niaoing cum sharing session. Ended up with me feeling dead tired, and pmsey, so I was incredibly rude. FIRST TIME OK! I said something like GO AWAY LA GO BACK LA. And in the end, kal gene jialin and Ervin slept on the same bed. Hanyun and I slept on one. SO SORRY DEARS! You could have just given me a slap or something,

26 November

IT WAS BEACH-HOPPPIN DAY! Yay! Basically, had great fun, moving from one beach to another (one snake one something and one starfish one). Yup, we spent a lot of time at the first beach, where we went snorkeling, I lost my earring!!!! But someone found it for me and I coudldnt bear to part with it no matter what. Took pictures, ate lunch, heezhengxun one was evil and mean, dumped sand on my hair and MASSAGED IT in while I was desperately trying to wash it off for like a lot of times la. in the end, i had so much sand and crap EVERYWHERE. BRRR. Chao lame, but fun I guess. Erm erm erm, then basically suntanned with hanyun, hahah! It was really quite memorable, we took off our tops and all that, and suntanned in our halter bras and fbts. Hahaha! It’s indecent, but aiya, it’s only once in a while when you can let your hair down and do whatever you want. For honey, who’s more self-conscious then I am, she kept squirming, and when mr white, and whoever came, she got a little scared. Haha! But we conquered it together. YAY! It was great fun, since our tummies are less black-ish than our legs, so yeaa, we worked our tummies out, too since we kept sucking air in. hahah! Anyway, various perverted idiots walked near us, including the damn tour guide, who touched our hands, and sat damn close to us. And he was like giving us shells and smiling weirdly at us, so we totally got pissed off, and I was shooting dagger looks at him, so yea, if looks could kill, he would be dead and barbecued by then. Anyway! We saw many star-fishes and corals and bla, not bad! It was basically almost like a free-for-all day, we lazed around, talked while the seawater kept slopping into our ears and mouth. And just looking at the sun, while honey and I were doing weird stuff, like stuffing our clothes over our face so our face wouldn’t turn chao-tah, and keep moving upwards so we weren’t get submerged, and having to answer weird questions and stuff. Memorable! The last island was okay I guess, for me, but many had a helluva fun time. Cos they tried the jetty jump. Special mention to honey and jialin who were very brave! I really wanted to, but I think my seams will split, and I have a really bad phobia of the sea. Especially when I am caught unaware. Will always remember the blurred images when I almost drowned on a kayaking outing with bryan and timothy and gang. Was at one of the Malaysian islands, when my kayak flipped, and I knocked my head against the rocks, and just couldn’t surface no matter how hard I kicked. Almost died. After that episode, whenever my face touches the water, I would get serious spasms, and horrifying images clouding my man. It’s as if, you get controlled by an evil monster, and all you can do is just wait till he goes away. Helpless. I’ve never liked that feeling. But I promise myself, after a levels, I will definitely conquer this fear at my own pace. That is one of my wishes I would definitely fulfill.

The night time events were fun! And definitely memorable. The last night was just beyond brilliant. We basically went shopping first with hanyun,gene,kal and jialin. Hahah! We broke off with the rest and went to some place, and we bought belts! And then we went back to change, and dress up. It was great fun! Talked to honey a bit, and then went down. Drank, danced, let our hair down, played a little pool. Basically, had to drag guys in. OMG it’s damn hard I tell you, they are too shy, too reserved, too everything. Even a bull like me had to have SO MUCH PATIENCE. I almost wanted to say F. yea! But anyway they came in the end. So yup! Dancing is and has always been good fun, purely because it’s the only time where you really get to express yourself honestly, do what you want, and jussstt do it. And besides, to me, it’s always a way to reaffirm your identity, cos you are proud of your body not because you are slim, fit or goodlooking but because you were born like that and for that you ought to cherish it. And dancing, is a way to show the whole world that regardless of how I look outwardly, I’m proud of who I am, and that’s all that matters. So yea! I’m shouting to the world, that this is who I am, take it or leave it.

Gene as usual got drunk, but a little bit better, I drank a lot a lot. But I wasn’t drunk cos I’ve got a high alcohol intake la! And yea, went to the pool for a bit, then talked to heezhengxun a bit, and some other stuff not to be discussed

27 November

It was basically very sad, for me, or nostalgic. On the flight, it was really sad, cos the four of us wouldn’t be able to see each other anymore, as much as before. We could see each other like 24/7 everyday, especially hanyun. No more freedom, no more everything. It felt so dooms-day like. Hahah! I guess the guys wont feel that way, but all of us, especially honey(I KNEW ALL THE WHILE LA GIRL, I know exactly the way you look when you are almost crying. Your eyelids will flutter, and you will try to look upwards praying that no one will see, but it’s not the case, the only reason you can self-delude yourself is cos we all try to look away, knowing that you don’t want to be seen) and ya, was damn teary, hugged people, took pictures. Gene and I held hands when the plane landed, and talked about how different and difficult it will be to have to smile to your parents and say I miss you when there’s a hole in your gut. Anyway, the act of holding hands was to me damn touching, cos it just shows how YI YI BU SHE we are to have to part, how splendid the memories were, and how much our friendship have matured over the twelve days. I LOVE YOU ALL.

As I got on my dad’s car, saw the familiar sights, the lamp-posts, the flowers, the flats, the greenery, the order, and somehow I missed the crazyness of Philippines. Not because it was home to me, but because it was home to many of the beautiful memories I shared with others. I believe, if you put us in other places, across the globe, it will still be as beautiful as before. It’s the company, not the place, not the scenery, it’s the bond that matters.

sooo to conclude, I rearrange the memories as if they were a deck of cards. I can almost imagine each memory as the grain of sand that the pearl grew around: a hard protective shell to keep it from drifting away.

I would trade everything now to have those minutes back, tucked into a miser’s lockbox. Even the ordinary moments- sleeping in the van, cleaning up our clothes, eating dinner, they are no less miraculous simply because they are something we did together. It is not what you do that brings you together. It is the fact that you are lucky enough to do it at all. Keep them.

Then I realize how the friendships will be like. Like metal pounded to a thin foil. Spreading in distance but not compromising its strength. It has simply changed shape, changed form.

lucky lucky girl.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 10:33:33 GMT

A testimonial for hoejialin would go like this.

Hoe Jia Lin is an extremely excited person. From experience, normal msn conversations would suddenly explode into LINES AND LINES OF CAPS with “OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG’ or ‘ HOW HOW HOW HOW’ and the subsequent “HELP ME HELP ME’. It is normally accompanied by the ‘OMG I THINK HE THINKS I AM WEIRD’ and the ‘ OH NO DO YOU THINK HE FINDS ME STUPID’. And to her credit, she will start a spout of retrospection examination of her self that goes like ‘I AM SO IMPULSIVE OMG OMG OMG I AM SUCH AN IDIOT’.Though rarely effective and too late, it’s always ‘better late than never’.

During this holiday, I have found a particular endearing trait that jialin has. She takes utmost concern in her friend’s welfare. These few days, I have been extremely bewildered due to her constant pestering with the question ‘ WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TODAY’. Let me justify my exasperation. When I came online, she asked me ‘YINGHUI OH NO OH NO I HAVENT BEEN DOING MUCH WORK, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TODAY?’ In the afternoon before my lunch, I came back online and she rants ‘SOOOO WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TODAY’. After lunch, she asks ‘YINGHUI WHAT WERE U DOING JUST NOW’ At night, the minute I come online, I see the bubble that says hoejialin, and dread begins to well up, perspiration begins to tickle down my neck, and I open the window in suspense. Again, not disappointing our expectations, she asks ‘ YINGHUI WHAT HAVE U BEEN DOING THESE FEW DAYS’. This trend continues for the next few days, in which I subsequently exploded and told her to “SHUT UP OR SHUT UP’ and “STOP ASKING ME THE SAME QUESTION’, in which to reiterate the previous point, she went ‘OMGOMOMGOMG I AM SO EMBARRASSED, DON’T SAY IT ANYMORE, DON’T SAY DON’T SAY, OMG I DIDN’T KNOW THAT YOU KNOW’.

Hoe Jia Lin has a penchant at telling the funniest jokes, unconsciously. It’s a particular gift that no one can beat her to it, yet. During the philipines trip, she made many hilarious jokes which sparked spouts of hysterical laughter. One of the many hilarious jokes would be. To Tristan, hee, fish: ‘YOU GUYS R SOOOO MANIPULATIVE. THE MINUTE U ALL OPEN YOUR MOUTH, I START NODDING MY HEAD’. And the classic one which made her win the ‘best quotable phrase of the year’. To Yinghui while walking down the banaue RICE terraces, this girl wanted to make an intelligent comment about her surroundings to impress our dear tutors behind and points to this white strand of thing growing from the ground with loads of water and asks ‘ WHAT IS THIS’. Immediately, mr perry always on the killer spree laughs and collapses into laughter and Yinghui replies ‘RICE’.

Abstracts of memorable conversations with jialin:

Jialin: OMG, WHERE IS THE EAST. I DON’T KNOW.
KAL: (while rolling his eyes) DON’T YOU KNOW, JURONG EAST is one classic example
Jialin: OOOOOO, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT
(turns around excitedly to hanyun and Yinghui much much later and excitedly squeals: DO U KNOW JURONG EAST IS IN THE EAST

At swensens:
Sarah: Eh, have you heard of the phrase ‘NI SHI SHUI’
Jialin: HUR HUR HUR, TELL ME ABOUT IT, EXPLAIN
Sarah: Erm, very hard to understand, it’s erm …. Like that lor, why don’t u guess
Jialin: ERRR (after thinking for a longgg time) does it have something to do with water (SHUI)
Everyone collapses into laughter
Jialin: OH IKNOW I KNOW is it supposed to be flirting
Everyone dies in laughter

Jialin in an msn conversation: OMG Genevieve says you should go and die
(before the other party can replies, she types ten sentences which basically imply one thing)
Jialin: OMGOMGOMG SORRY NONONONO DON’T DIE DON’T DIE.

But oh well, especially after the trip, I loveeee jialin. Hahaha, our pictures together are damn sweet. Hahahaha, had a nice talk with her at kap, oh well, girl, I’m sure you will be able resolve your issues soon. JIAYOU. I MISS YOU GIRL. YAY, we are meeting again TML.

You are one in a million, darling. (HONOURED?)

Mahalkita.(means i love you)
(click to enlarge)

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 03:44:59 GMT

I’ve never believed the world is black and white. Instead, it consists of so many other colours, grays, yellows, blues, greens and whites. I guess because of that, I see the world as a spectrum of colours, with no real emphasis on absolutes. Absolutes, to me, are not significant enough, the nuances, the shades are more important.

Maybe that’s why I’ve never seeked the absolute truth either.

When it comes to important matters, I tend to ask less questions. For me, I’m scared of the truth. It might destroy a friendship, tear beautiful memories into shreds beyond recognition, ground something so precious into pearl-dust.

Sometimes, when you don’t ask questions; it’s not because that someone will lie to your face. It’s because you’re afraid they’ll tell you the truth.

I know how it feels to be betrayed, to be manipulated, to be kept in the dark. It’s horrible.

That’s the most beautiful and devastating part of knowing the truth. Somehow, oblivion could be bliss sometimes.

When it comes to important secrets or issues like friendship, love, family, money etc, you tell someone a secret that’s meant to be kept. You trust, you believe, you put your whole soul into believing it’s gonna stay that way: kept, unravelled, unknown.

But sometimes, it’s not the case and you’ve got to face it. It could be better or for worse, it depends really on how you handle it. At that juncture, it will feel like your life’s been destroyed, that these pillars which you’ve build upon have collapsed, and you are at a loss. A friendship so fundamental to you would be just on the rocks, ready to be destroyed any moment. It feels like the world is crashing down on you.

But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I know, I promise you I know, how it feels to have to smile, and act as if everything is just fine, when a part of you knows it’s not. You can move around in spite of it; you can laugh and smile and carry on with your life, but all it takes is one slow range of motion, a doubling over, to be fully aware of the empty space at your center.

As it turns out, you can function while your heart is being torn to shreds. Blood pumps. Breath flows, neurons flow. What goes missing is the affect; a curious flatness to voice and actions that, if noted, speak of a hole so deep inside there’s no visible end to it.

So then what am supposed to do, you ask.

Quite simply, if you think you are capable of moving on, you can.

The future may unfold in indelible strokes but it doesn’t mean we have to read the same line over and over again. Moving on, at this point of time, might be the best medicine.

Guilt, hasn’t been the best companion these days. I know, with my own conscience, I did not play a part in this. I followed, adhered to whoever, whatever, but if it turns out this way, I guess I’ve got a reason to bear guilt as well. All I know is that the one that’s hurting isn’t me, for sure. I’m sorry. There’s no point for clarification now, when that’s hardly the issue. You can pick at these moments like a carrion vulture going for a bone, but what you would eventually get is a mixture of shreds, broken bits that would leave you no choice but to patch things up to its original position again. What’s important is to help, if that’s possible at all.

I know this is no consolation, but

I’m sorry.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 03:23:56 GMT

Anyway had a great day yesterday, went out with aiwen and yumin. Wanted to shop, but ended up doing really slacky but still fun stuff. Wong bought two shirts I think, and we just basically talked, shared DIRTY stories (eh?), laughed at all the jokes, ate like pigs, and I got treated!

Everytime after I go out with the two of them, I feel childish, happy, innocent and just peaceful. I love you guys <3

Oh and aiwen and I decided to be smart and take the faster route home, but to no avail. We had to cross paths that were rocky, walk along the road, breathe in all the exhaust fumes and dust before the bus finally came in about forty five minutes. And still, aiwen took the wrong bus. Brilliant!

Jokes of the the day
:my sassy (pronounced as sar-see) girl and her pepsi boy
:yoooo
:razor back

sarang heyo, mahalkita

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 14:36:59 GMT

Specially for you <3

I guess it’s not apparent, but I used to feel really inferior, ordinary, just not good or special enough. It’s probably akin to every teenage dream to be special, different, just not too conventional, so that you wouldnt blend within the crowd. It’s always nice to be a head taller or a shade brighter than everyone else.

I’ve always asked people about myself, forced them, coerced them to tell me what’s wrong, what’s the problem, and how can I solve it. And somehow all of them stare at me with the same expression splattered on their faces, what?!?! And I’ve never understood.

But let me tell you why

It’s always the case that everyone’s expectations somehow merge into your own, that you tend to follow what people expect you to do. To be a champion, to be talented, to be a leader, to be smart, to be talkactive, to be sporty. You try to be everyone at one go, putting yourself into so many different shoes, that it gets tiring. And this is what happens when you do that. You get so tired that you become disillusioned, jaded, cyanical and just depressed at the world, irritated at yourself, completely detached with your initial soul.’

I learnt a lot during that period, that of all emotions, disillusionment is your worst enemy, that just like a magician’s black curtain, disillusionment is really forcing your body subconsciously in a certain way and letting that black curtain fall over you knowingly, without any form of defense.

It blurs the fine line between seeing something that’s not yet achieved as impossible, and seeing it as something that is possible in the near future. It screws your entire being, all over.

Let me tell you what happens when you cook down the syrup of disillusionment over the open fire of lost esteem. It solidifies into something else. Not grief, like you’d expect, or even regret. No, it gets thick as paste, black as ash, yet it is until you dip a finger in and fell that sharp taste dissolving on your tongue that you realise this is failure in its purest form, unrefined; a substance to be weighted and measured and spread.

We make messes of our lives, but once in a while, we manage to do things that are exactly right. The challenge is figuring out which is which.

It’s half full.

Hope you feel better.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 05:45:01 GMT

(wanted to update about philipines, but i guess this would have to be spelt into words first, so i can finally get rid of this entire burden of bottled-up emotions)

so you came back, all the hurdling emotions coming my way, it's not fair, not at all.

I just want you to know that you aren’t the only one hurting.

I wonder if this is what it felt like to be shot. If, even after the bullet went through flesh and bone, you would look down at yourself with detachment, assessing the damage, as if it wasn’t you who had been hit but someone else you were asked to appraise. I wonder if numbness qualified as a chronic pain.

Could you pinpoint a specific moment, minute or second when we began to break apart, disintegrate into nothingness? I never could, i wondered why. now i know, because we werent ever really a part, we never were once an entity. and when it came, it lasted forever, gathering speed with such acceleration, that we were more worried about getting out of its path, pretending that everything would be alright, forgetting to find the pebble at the center. that's why, i'm telling you now.

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I keep thinking we were so stupid. If we hadn’t fought so hard when we first met, we would have had nearly twice as much time together. But then if we hadn’t fought so hard I wonder if I could have loved you half damn much. It sounds funny to say it now, just like that, in the light of day. I love you. You hear it so often, you know, on soap operas and stupid sitcoms, that sometimes the words are just sounds, they don’t mean anything. But hell, I could shout it to the world day and night if it meant I could keep you with me. I’ve never tried to pack so much into one phrase in my whole life.

Maybe it's different for you, because I’m not the first guy you’ve loved? I might as well say it, because it’s true. You went first to him. So what I want to know is: does your heart feel like it’s being ripped off? Is it easier for you? Have you felt this way before?

I haven’t either. I cant imagine ever feeling this way again. Not the pain, not now, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about us. When I was with you, nothing mattered. I could have watched the whole world being wiped out by blight, I could have witnessed massacres, a war, It wouldn’t have made a difference. I know that there will be other women, prettier even, but they couldn’t compare. You just cant simply put down eight years of memories and walk away from it. If you can, I’m sorry I cant. Maybe I’ll change, maybe love will change, but I think we were a once-in-a-lifetime. You could never leave me; that’s why I am not more upset. You can’t possibly break these feelings. They stretch, and they last. You’re taking them with you. You will never be the same, because of me, and I’m silently gloating.

I’ll rather take on this burden of your love forever.

If I have to remember you, just for a second, it will be like this: you kneeling in front of me, at the windowsill, counting the stars. I don’t remember why we decided to do that, it’s an impossible, infinite task. Maybe because when we were together, we thought we had all the time in the world. You gave up at two hundred and six I remember. I gave up and just looked at you. That’s when yous started to name them, you asked me for family names and I told you. We mapped the sky with our heritage. Do you know what a star is? I asked you. It’s an explosion that happened billions and billions of years ago. The only reason we see it now, is because it’s taken that long for the light, the sight, to travel here into our line of vision.

This is not goodbye.

Oh I love you.

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i want to remember you like this, not anyway else. it doesnt matter about our status quo. friends forever sounds good to me. I would rather concentrate on your eyes, imprinting them in my memory, etching an image so when we meet again- ten months, ten years from now, at least we will remember the beautiful, and not the arguments and sadness. that's how i choose to see it.

you know it and i know it too. we are walking in concentric cirlces, in opposite directions. naturally we do not meet, but you are within me and i revolve around you. so that's all that matters now.

It's like any other dual dynamic: You can’t have strength without weakness; you can’t have heroes ithout villians; you cant have light without dark; so it follows that you can’t have love without loss either

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 13:06:12 GMT

heyyy! hahah! i kinda miss this place, it's been ages since i've last visited this page. oh well, loads have happened over these few months, and it's almost the end of the year already. time passes so fast, that it makes me wonder whether i've really spent my time well, whether i could have spent it more fruitfully, build more friendships, accomplish more, score better etc etc. but on the whole, i'm peaceful. not especially happy, neither am i sad. of course, there's space among all the zenness for regrets, sadness and sometimes pangs of nostalgia, but i'm over it. regretting, looking backwards has no point anyway, i cant retrace my steps, so i wont.

in general, i've become a much stronger girl, both emotionally and physically. i cant stipulate exactly why, cos it's kinda private and personal, but those whom matter to me should know, and i hope and i think they would understand why. unexpected things have popped up, caused many nightmates, heartaches, crying bouts and many soiled tissues, but they've allowed me to grow. under such circumstances, there's really no one to will yourself on, except yourself. it's you that would make the difference. i chose to take that leap, to not take the easy way out, and i'm so much better than before. and i count my blessings for that. people ask me why i didnt tell them, why i chose to keep it private, why i didnt believe in the support that my best friends would have given me in such times. but, it's not a matter of whether i have faith in you, whether i love you enough to spill my sorrows, but rather that acknowledging, taking some time for everything to sink in is the very first step towards recovering, and that would need personal and private space. yes, i would love to be showered with flowers,hugs and kisses, but i had to make sure that i was emotionally and physically fine before i dared to tell people i really cared about, to make them less worried and hence less troubled. i do very much love you guys. -MUAK!-

somehow, this entire year has taught me a lot about myself, allowed me to safely declare my weakness and strengths and work on it(whether or nt its successful is a totally different matter altogether). i feel so much more at peace with myself, those little walks with my besties along the beaches, or the chanel beside my house. i wouldnt have known what i really want in life without these quiet moments of solitude. the gentle breeze, pretty flowers and gently swaying palm trees are definitely ideal conditions for contemplation and reflection. even sitting on the table next to the window and watching cars go by and feeling the gentle breeze between your fingers can be so refreshing. it's as if you can sit there all night long, and still feel so quiet, peaceful, restful. it's beautiful. i love it.

people change over the year, i've seen countless personalities lose their identity by mingling into the crowd, being just part of them and not someone different. yet, i've seen people who used to be quiet, demure and overly giving stand up against the tide and influences and let their voices be heard. then, there are those who remain constant, the ever bright lights amongst the sea of people, those you want to cry to and hug them tightly in times of need. all these people have made my life more meaningful, interesting and three-dimensional. i've learnt to let go, to move on, to cling on to those you cherish, yet allow them the freedom to change, to learn and to grow. that's life, and i thank people around me for that. i've learnt that distance is not a factor, nor a valid excuse, that somehow you've got to make time for them, that no matter what, they are the few rare ones that truly understand you. they are the ones whom will stand by you. all the way.

no doubt, there are so many things i could have done, should have done better. opportunities which i let past, chances which i did not grasp. though it's normal to bemoan these lost opportunities, how can anyone be sure that we would have been better off with or without, how would you be sure that they would have indefinitely brought us more happiness, joy or knowledge. so there's no point thinking about it. maybe because i'm religious, i always attribute these to fate. i've always believed from young that things happen for a reason, that there's no need to cry over failures or losses, as they always provide an alternative door for you. like lee ann womack's 'i hope you dance', when one door closes i hope another opens, even when the future seems bleak, as long as you take it as an opportunity to learn to grow, to succeed the next time, no one loses, we all win. it's about looking at things from different perspectives, choosing to see the flip side instead of the bad. no matter how bad things are, how impossible it might seem, just look hard, you'll find your way out. i'm sure.

life's one hell of a rollercoaster, you can never predict what's gonna happen. i'll say just live and soak in the sunshine, bask in the moonlight and jusssttt enjoy. a cliche saying, but yes, live life to the fullest.

till then, ciao!

Dance

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 14:57:19 GMT

Dance, by definition, is to move nimbly or merrily; to express pleasure by motion; to caper; to frisk; to skip about. However, dance, in its truest form, is an elemental, eternal form of expression. To dance at its simplest, is to let the body express freely, albeit rhythmically. When the pulse of the music starts pumping, the body starts to move, swing, turn, dip and rise, rejoice, exhilarate, and collapse. It is this primal beat and rhythm that propels and gives rise to dance- a form of artistic expression, thus providing an avenue to express the otherwise inexpressible.

To me, dance is a form of self-expression; a communication between body and soul; a translation of feelings and actions or dramatic expression combined. According to Mark Twain, to truly embrace the epitome of dance, we must “dance for ourselves”. Indeed, through civilization transformations, dancing is now a form of fine art which emphasizes the need to be aware of your control over the body, mind and soul and yet, let it break free to shape your actions and movements. It is only when the music sweeps through your entire existence and your body starts to move unconsciously, will you truly be in sync with your innermost soul. From a little jig to a break-dance accompanied by loud, deafening music, dance is the avenue to transform that adrenaline rush to a whole spectrum of delightful and creative moves, so as to fully convey the whirl of emotions in your mind to the expectant audience.

The famous Russian ballerina, Anna Pavlova when asked for the meaning of one of her dances, once said “if I could have said it, I shouldn’t have had to dance it anyway”. Dance is a simplistic way of expression where the simple dignity of movement can fulfill the function of a volume of words, where the gentle grace wields the power to stir up senses and emotions, where its fluidity of motions can leave behind sensations, each unique to itself. Hence, dance reaches beyond any vocabulary or reason, for it is an visual representation of emotions like joy, love, fear, pain, anger, despair and death all combined into one perfect, breathtaking dance recital.

What distinguishes a true dancer apart from the rest would be that indomitable spirit of spontaneity inherent in her. In response to a certain stimuli, a true dancer would forget all about her surroundings in which all the expectant faces blend into one blurred image. She would be totally immersed in herself, thereby building a world swirling with emotions which unfold from within. Without any planned or choreographed action, a true dancer is able to energize an empty space and make it come alive with simple motions, without thinking about how to move or what is the next step but rather comprehending the main emotion or idea to be communicated. Once strains of the music is heard in the distance, it removes all limitations, extinguishes her consciousness and finally pours the divine spirit into her, letting her inner soul break free to soar greater heights.

One example of a contemporary dance to express feelings would be tango- the dance of sorrow. It originated from the immigrants from Europe and Africa who streamed into the outskirts of Buenos Aires in the 1880s. To ease their sense of rootlessness and disfranchisement as ‘strangers in a strange land’, tango was invented. The relentless rhythms and the cantombe beat on the African drums and the popular music of the pampas known as the milonga formed this intermingled cultural brew. Hence, tango till now is often used to express fatality, of destinies engulfed in pain and of loneliness deep within.

Therefore, to dance is not only an visual art form, just as a painter uses his paints on canvas, a dancer expresses herself with her spontaneous body movements. Dance does not require much talent or technique, all it takes is to free oneself and let the body move to the beat and the music. Indeed, dance exists for everybody, from the moment we take our first step; the art of dancing is uniquely ours. For me, dance is a wonderful gift to bare your soul and the courage to let all emotions run loose, dance is a celebration of life, of being able to portray your inner self without holding back, dance is one of humanity’s deepest rivers of continuity in which all generations can come together to experience divine satisfaction and blessed peace that keeps us alive. Hence, as we proceed in life, while we may be dancing for others, we should always remember to ‘dance like no one is watching‘ so that we can ultimately dance for ourselves.

Shall we dance?

dedicated to the pro girl, mei. lubb ya! <333

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 12:00:55 GMT

Here we lay face to face once again
Silence cuts like a knife as we pretend.
And I'm wondering who will be the first to say what we both know
We're just holding on to "could have been"s and we should be letting go.

It feels like you're a million miles away as you're lying here with me tonight.
I can't even find the words to say I can find a way to make it right.
And we both know that the story's ending,
We play the part but we're just pretending and I can't hide the tears
'cause even though you're here,
It feels like you're a million miles away.

Was it me, or was it you that broke away?
For what we were is like a season love is change
And every time I think about it, it tears me up inside.
Like the rivers of emotion but I got no more tears to cry.

We can try to talk it over but we walked that road before,
While our song is playing its last note,
We both know for sure that it's time to close that door

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 11:52:29 GMT

You Are a Chimera

You are very outgoing and well connected to many people. Incredibly devoted to your family and friends, you find purpose in nurturing others. You are rarely alone, and you do best in the company of others. You are incredibly expressive, and people are sometimes overwhelmed by your strong emotions.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

home

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 14:13:05 GMT

I guess I've always wondered what ‘home’ was. Was it a house with four walls, a family, friends or just the sensation of being within the boundaries of familiar territory? It's been puzzling, bothering me like a persistant toothache, nagging and throbbing. But, now I've realised I looked too far, looked too much when all along, home has always, always been within me.

Perhaps, everyone has that quiet streak within us. The urge to walk home alone, along that meandering river, with the wind in your hair and the earth under your feet. It's that sort of simple contentment of just lying down on the soft sand, cross-legged, gazing upwards, enjoying the subtle breeze caressing your cheek. Perhaps it's even the simple act of indulging in a book on a late Sunday evening, swinging on the porch swing in the terrace, seeing people walk past and cars zoom by. It's the soft pittar-pattering of the rain I seek. It's the ability to reflect, to think, to ponder with no distractions, no possible diversions.

It's good, really good to go home everyday, stand by the open window during sun-set, just stand there alone, in your tiny shorts and singlet, looking down on the little children running about, the families contented and happy. I really enjoy standing by the window, with my chin on the window still, just gazing, just gazing into the distance, watch the cars speeding away of different shapes, colours, sizes and types; to watch people walking by in clockwork fashion: of little children fatigue after a day at school, of mothers dragging their child along, with families out for a walk with the dog pattering behind, of couples embracing in the moonlight, arms tangled in the slow tango dance of the night. This is magic, truly magic. To see trees sway in the breeze, an occasional leaf making a downward spiral in the wind before collapsing to the ground, a life span over, to see the rivers meandering by, a ripple here and there, circles in circles, a cyclical symbol of life. To see the water glittering, glistering in the dark, myriads of light and hope amidst the enveloping dark, to envision the clarity of the waters inviting temptingly. It's brilliant really, to hear the mating sounds of the cricket, the happy chirping of the swallows and then, finally the beauty of the silence of the world. Serenity, peace, home.

It's then when I realise, I've always wanted to be me, always wanted to stay here, exactly here, and just smile, just admire, just thank god of this beautiful world, of my privileged existence in this miracle. The solidarity shadow by the window, yes, that's me.

It's so good to be home.

Sat, 13 May 2006 05:53:11 GMT

here goes:

"Name 20 ppl u can think of at the top of your head. Dun read the below questions before you write and tag 5 ppl to do this survey."

1. aiwen
2. yumin
3. hanyun
4. Allison
5. siting
6. bryan
7. minkai
8. my crush <3
9. meiling
10.eunice
11.yaqi
12.nic
13.jiang chuan
14.ervin
15 jonathan
16.yawen
17. yimtong
18.yonglin
19. love love
20. Valencia

1.How did you meet 14?
O6A15 

2.What would you do if you never met 1?
oh my gosshhh, I would be so lonely and so bored. Best friends for eternity. YEAH!

3.What would you do if 20 and 9 dated?
that is totally impossible. Both are straight fortunately.

4.Did you ever like 19?
DUH- UH. Hahahha! Think he’s cute and cuddly, adorable.

5.Would 6 and 17 make a good couple?
bryani and tong?!?!?!?! No way no way noooo way. He’s too playful and childish for her.

6.Describe 3.
she’s damn damn blurrr. Adorable, pretty, very steady and u can count on her. The better u know her the more u’ll love her. I love whining to her and complaining cos she listens and smiles and never complain. HEHEHE. Hanyun is my hei bai pei. YAH. hahaha

7.Do you think 8 is attractive?
HAHAHA. Attractive cos of his personality ba. Not shuai or hot. But yea interesting person. Teehee.

8.Tell me something about 7.
minkai is very very very very faithful and dedicated. Very fun to crap and lame with.. he and his gay gang. Kudos to his zainess. Jiayouu!

9.Do you know any of 12's family?
yea. But not much though. Just now that he loves his family a lot.awwww

10.What's 8's favourite?
ME. Hahaha. Like real.

11.What would you do if 11 confesses that he/she likes you?
she does that all the time. Fortunately, it’s one way only. PHEW

12.What language does 15 speak?
GIBBERISH. VULGARITIES. NAUGHTY STUFF.

13.Who is 9 going out with?
NICHOLAS LIM (ETERNAL LIM) WOOTTT

14.How old is 16 now?
17.

15.When was the last time you talked to 13?
yesterday when we took out funny neos. Hahaha.

16.Who's 2 favourite band/singer?
district. Hahaha. Monica tan lor.

17.Would you date 4?
HHAHAHAHA. EVIL TWIN. She’s in hotco. Of course I will date her a lot of times. Hot babe. Oh my so les. OOPS. <3

18.Would you date 7?
NO WAY! Hahaha, I will get killed by a lot a lot of people. I don’t wanna die man.

19.Is 15 single?
should be ba.

20.What's 10's last name?
Eunice TOK. (talk a lot)

21.Would you ever be in a serious relationship with 11?
maybe when I’m not straight one day. But seriously noooo.

22.What school does 3 go to?
HCI.

23.Where does 6 live?
KEMBANGAN

24.Whats your favourite thing about 5?
EVERYTHING. Hahaha, her bimboticness and her caringness. Hahaha. Love twinnie.

25. Have you seen no.1 naked?
OH MY.
DON’T WANT. I don’t want to faint pleasseee. EWWW> hahaha

Tue, 02 May 2006 12:50:36 GMT

You think you know the world you are living in.

If you can feel it, and touch it, and smell it, and taste it, then it must be so. You tell yourself that you would bet your life on the simple fact that the sky is blue. And then one day someone comes along and informs you emphatically that you're wrong.

Blue, you insist. Blue as the ocean. Blue as a whale. Blue as my daughter's eyes.

But that person shakes his head, and everyone else backs him up.

You poor girl, they say.

All of those things- the ocean, the whale, her eyes- they're green. You've gotten them mixed up.

It is then when you realise you've got it wrong all along.

:)